I'm trying to give back my tax cut.

I'd always had my doubts about Bush's tax plan anyway, but until a couple of weeks ago, I could live with it and even respect one of its supporting arguments: Since it's the people's money, the people should get it back. Why on earth would the government possibly need money that it isn't even using?

Ooooooooh.

So anyway, I'm about two-thirds of the way into handing it over. I've already given $100 to one charity or another. None of them are the government, exactly. But they look like the government. (There was one guy I saw at the supermarket who looked a little like the Department of the Interior. I threw dimes at his head.) Whether these groups spend the money on the current crisis or some other disaster, I have the satisfaction of having bought a lot of badly needed doughnuts and magazines.

I'm also thinking of sending $100 to the Department of Defense. You actually can do this. You write a check to "U.S. Treasury," add "Defense Cooperation Account" on the memo line, and mail it to: Defense Finance and Accounting Service, Attn: DFAS-DAT, Directorate for Trust Fund Accounting, Room 417, 1931 Jefferson Davis Highway, Arlington, VA 22240-5291.

What a thrill if my $100 were to buy half a toilet seat or perhaps nine paper towels for the officers club. Maybe they would put a commemorative plaque for me on my side of the seat.

I'm not sure what I'll do with the third $100. Perhaps my country needs me to buy several rounds of drinks at T.G.I.Fridays until some woman goes home with me. I care a lot about my country, you know.

The opinions expressed here, by the way, are entirely my own, and not those of this newspaper, Gannett Corporation or any of its countless sous-chefs and parking valets, many of whom reasonably argue that we should spend our tax cuts on gum. But I say we give it either to the government, or to groups that could stand in for the government if they maybe wore a little make-up.

For example:

* Who says you can't slip a $20 bill to a cop now and then? Sure, it looks weird, but if you don't ask for any favors in return, can you actually call it illegal? Probably, yeah. But it'd still be funny to see the look on the guy's face when you stuffed the money into his shirt pocket and ran away. Here's another fun thing: When he catches you and puts you in handcuffs, ask him if you can play with his gun.

* Buy an airplane ticket. If we don't all buck up the airline industry, the federal government will have to do it. So think of someplace exotic – Rome Italy, the Falkland Islands. Who cares? You're not actually going. You're just buying the ticket.

* While everyone else is contributing money to the popular government agencies such as the United States Secret Service, the Department of Education and even the Tennessee Valley Authority, you could be the first taxpayer to send a check directly to the National Archives and Records Administration. The National Archives and Records Administration has two functions:

a) To oversee the management of federal government records, including presidential diaries, historic correspondence, and a display of presidential gifts from around the world.

b) To karate-chop the evil robot dogs that try to sniff the president.

* The National Archives and Records Administration not jazzy enough for you? Consider dropping a couple of bucks with the General Services Administration. This is, in the stirring words on its Web site, "a central management agency that sets federal policy in such areas as federal procurement, real property management, and information resources management." It sounds like the highest job you possibly could have and still essentially be managing office supplies.

The point is that if we all gave back our refunds, the government would have the kind of money it had a year ago. And if that worked, then theoretically we could give even more money and go even further back in time.

Why won't anyone listen to my ideas?