Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez have split up, and it has taken me a lot of personal work and counseling to be able to accept it.

At least I wasn't alone. All the major media outlets seem as grief-stricken as I, and as obsessed. Well, “obsessed” is such a negative word. I would prefer to describe it as “caring.” Yes, MSNBC, CNN, People magazine and other media outlets really, really cared about J Lo and Ben. Like me, I imagine the People reporters did a lot of crying and called friends who were suicidally depressed about this.

The national media and I went through the classic five stages of grief. Here is my diary:

Day One: Denial

“When MSNBC News Service reports that Ben and Jen were just seen boarding planes to different U.S. cities, obviously `Bennifer' are just trying to mislead us, trying to make us look away so they can sneak back to Santa Barbara, Calif., and get married. MSNBC says reporters there are still on alert. Ha ha. I'll bet Benny and Jenny are getting married right now. Everything is fine.

“Let me look at their photo again. Don't they look dreamy? J Lo gushing at her man, Ben looking off to the side, or at a crowd, or at anything except her. They're never going to break up. Never, never, never.”

Day Two: Anger

“It's my fault their relationship fell apart. I should have reached them somehow – forced them to stay in a room together. I can start fires with my mind when I get angry enough. I could make them love each other.

“Today, the guy at the Wawa asked me if I was going to buy anything or if I was just going to stand there crying and staring at the magazine rack. It's his fault Ben and J Lo are breaking up. I can start fires with my mind, you know.”

Day Three: Bargaining

“I have contacted Satan and offered him my soul for his evil servitude if only Ben and J Lo will be photographed having coffee together at a trendy Los Angeles restaurant. Satan said he'd get back to me.

“Well, not Satan exactly. One of his people. Still, I fully expect a very firm offer from the Dark Lord or his local field representative, Megan.”

Day Four: Depression

“Bad news. Satan said no. Well, not Satan exactly. Megan. She was very professional about it – I guess she does this a lot. She said all the slots in Hell are filled at this time, but that Beelzebub encourages young talent and that I should be rude to the elderly and set aside some time each day to look at Internet porn.

“But why should I even go on living? What good is this world without the synergy of Benny and Jenny? It's a union that created the incomparable film Gigli and the as-yet-unreleased Jersey Girl. These are two of the greatest movies of all time. Of course, I haven't actually seen Jersey Girl, but I have high hopes. It has Ben. It has Jen. The only thing that could make it better is a monkey smoking a cigarette.

“Maybe I'll commit suicide by taking a bunch of pills and passing out while watching Gigli again – making my exit as I witness J Lo's hilarious and touching portrayal of a professional killer who helps kidnap a retarded guy. Then again, I don't want to throw up the pills.”

Day Five: Acceptance

“Even if they get back together (someday after, say, press time), I accept that Lopez and Affleck have split up. They started breaking apart right when it became evident that Gigli would not survive at the box office, and they were right to do so. It was all for the best.

“If two people cannot make a profitable movie together, can we really call that love?

“No, I have moved on – to the future, to fresh energy, to new goals, to the next new hot celebrity couple, Madonna and Britney Spears.”