Host: Welcome to our district assembly campaign debate on “How I Would Single-Handedly Stop Crime.” The Ladies’ Foundation Club Auxiliary is pleased to welcome all three candidates - first of all the Democratic incumbent, Jerry “Jerry” Villanova.

Jerry: Hello fans.

Host: Next to him, Republican challenger, Carl MacIntyre.

Carl: Gee. What a swell place.

Host: And finally, our third-party candidate, The Grim Dr. Chaos.

Dr. Chaos: I will make you bend to my will.

Host: That’s fine. Today’s topic is criminal recidivism. How would each candidate keep ex-convicts from returning to crime? Assemblyman Villanova, you start.

Jerry: Thanks. You know, the other day, a 72-year-old grandmother came up to me and said, “Jerry, why do I feel safer on the streets now that you’re my assemblyman? Why am I not, for example, dead?” Well I’ve brought that woman with me tonight. Could you stand up, dear?

Host: I … I think she’s drunk.

Jerry: And I told that sweet old lady that she feels safer because I proposed legislation to form a committee to develop guidelines to set up a study to design a report citing tri-state resources that … what was the question again?

Host: Criminal recidivism.

Jerry: Right. Anyway, we're going to try to give prisoners an education, and generally try to rehabilitate them with some kind of rehabilitation thing.

Host: Mr. MacIntyre, what is your response to that?

Carl: Once again, the assemblyman is way too far to the left.

Jerry: Sorry. I’ll move in a little. There. Can you see me better?

Carl: Much. Anyway, I am a new breed of sweet and gentle Republican. And the sweet and gentle Republican policy is that we sweetly and gently make ex-cons wear collars that emit traceable signals. You know, tag ‘em. Like birds or rare fish.

Dr. Chaos: Both my opponents are weak, and will be recycled into mulch for the New World Order. In a land run by Dr. Chaos, all criminals will be killed, then reanimated to become a mindless death army.

Jerry: I’ll have you know I led a bill to set up a study to form a committee to write legislation to reanimate the dead and enroll them in the GED. Just the other day, a small boy said to me, “Jerry, why can’t we use killer robots on white collar criminals?” Well I’ve brought that small boy with me here tonight. Stand up, son, and show everybody that double-jointed thing you do with your elbow.

Carl: Heck, the newer, nicer, prettier Republicans plan to reanimate the dead, kill them, reanimate them, kill them again, reanimate them and … and eat ‘em. Yeah. Eat ‘em.

Dr. Chaos: Dr. Chaos is not impressed. I shall stand before all criminals living or dead, including jaywalkers and several innocent people who got there by mistake. And I shall feast upon their souls like the Beast of Shibboleth grazes upon the fields of Sharon.

Jerry: Hey, I’m all for that. I personally wrote a letter to support a project to create a focus group to critique a program to fund some little technical doohickey that’s gonna kill everything on the planet. Just the other day, a man said to me, “Jerry, which way is Harrison Avenue? I’m meeting my wife at 3 o’clock.” Well I’ve brought that man with me tonight.

Man: (Calling from the back) You lied! My wife’s not here!

Carl: If you favor mass killings, why did you vote against a Republican bill that would have immolated the entire northern hemisphere and promoted private school vouchers?

Host: We just have time for the candidates’ final thoughts. Assemblyman Villanova?

Jerry: I like puppies.

Dr. Chaos: The only thing criminals can be rehabilitated into is a cheese-flavored cracker.

Carl: You third-party guys talk big, but you don’t know how to get things done. I, on the other hand, brought a gun. Now let’s suppose someone here is a criminal, and it’s … that guy!