In all the memorials and endless tape loops we sat through during the first anniversary of Sept. 11, one important group escaped our prayers and dedications - those bright, brave people who've exploited the whole thing.

I don't really mean those who sell Sept. 11 gewgaws: "911 Never Forget" mugs, nightshirts, sweatshirts, T-shirts and tote bags, or candle-and-soap sets with a teddy bear standing in front of an American flag. Those folks are free to do what they want. And besides, guess who doesn't want to get sued. Here's a hint, it's me.

No, I mainly mean those who've bid for political leverage. Wasn't our vice president just using this to accuse the administration's critics of near treason? Doesn't it seem as if every bill coming out of Washington is called "The Patriot Bill," or something to that effect, whether it covers war, taxes, tobacco subsidies or the acknowledgment that Sept. 14 was National Iguana Awareness Day?

And if you think the right wing is alone in exploiting this, then you live in a magic fairyland and sleep in a castle made of cookies and children's laughter. Not long ago, for example, Philadelphia's City Paper ran an article in which the venerable alternative cartoonist Ted Rall asked a series of questions about Sept. 11, beating President Bush over the head with everything that went wrong. Then Rall – who is so far to the left that he makes Ralph Nader look like he forces Laotian babies to work in a backpack factory – asked whether we should have ... (hang on a second while I stop laughing; I want to deliver this with a straight face so I won't prejudice you) ... Ted Rall suggested ... (OK, I'm doing it again – take three) ... Ted Rall asked if we should have increased the defense budget more.

And I quote:

"Why were only 12 jets patrolling U.S. airspace? ... Whose judgment determined that this level of protection was adequate? ... Would an increased budget have increased that number, and what is our current field strength?"

Then there's the mainstream media. But hey, I work for the mainstream media, and we're doing a heck of a job. We're certainly not reshowing horrific news footage over and over until the digital tape breaks down into its mineral components. La la la, I can't hear you.

Overall, though, whenever anyone other than a police officer, soldier, firefighter or victim's family member appears before an American flag or Sept. 11 logo these days, I automatically put up the same defenses as when I used to be approached by Moonies.

But heck, if so many other people are doing this, why don't we all join the fun? Want to borrow money? Demand it for patriotic reasons: If we stop loaning to bad credit risks, then haven't the terrorists won? Want to go for three days living on nothing but beer and chartreuse? It only would prove to our enemies once and for all that no amount of propaganda or intimidation will make us sober up when we don't feel like it. If a destroyed marriage and career won't do it, what chance would a hijacker have?

Then there's my own personal cause – a selfless crusade upon which I will expound in the following public service announcement:

Dear Patriotic Women of America,

As America struggles against dark forces, one special kind of man in particular stands for the principles of bravery and free thought: the satirical writer.

The satirical writer may not risk sudden death every day like a firefighter, Marine or rap star. But the next joke we write may stink so bad that we'll never walk again.

How can you, the women of America, make a difference? In the usual ways that only a woman can. It is only with your kind favors and passionate indulgences that writers such as I can keep increasing America's crucial back-up supply of forgettable commentary.

Please give generously, and know that I am sincere. Remember that patriotism is no longer the last refuge of the scoundrel. It is the first.