Who says there aren't any jobs out there? You can find lots of listings. There are hundreds of hundreds of tens of ones of job listings. Literally several. Listings like these:

Dishwasher

Because so many people are desperate for work, we require that all applicants have a doctorate in dishwashing, with a special emphasis on the soaking of cutlery.

Knowledge of Swedish a plus, in case you are ever called upon to wash Swedish cookware.

We will interview 100 people for this position and take a year to decide among them. The final two candidates will have to wrassle for it.

Trainee

Your job would be to pay us to train you for a job that we do not actually have. Successful past graduates have gone on to train other people for jobs that other companies don't have either.

Violinist/Diesel Mechanic

Due to downsizing, our company has combined several jobs that used to be in different departments. As a result, applicants for this position must combine the skills of a talented, pitch-perfect, concert violinist and a diesel mechanic who can operate in sub-zero temperatures.

This company also has openings for a contortionist who also can be Russian premier and a Canadian mounted policeman who can double as a human chess piece.

Next Executive Assistant

Law firm once again needs to replace the executive aide for one of our more problematic senior partners. Your interview with him may include such questions as “Why was Taft history's fattest president” and “Will you be my mommy?”

Actual Worker

Employees at our company enjoy an enviable selection of benefits. We receive health care, become fully vested in a matching 401(k) program within one year and automatically are promoted after two years of satisfactory service.

Unfortunately, you will receive none of this because we had to change our benefits package for new employees. As a result of the automatic promotion, we now find that every single employee in our 400-member company is in management. Worse still, we are all at the same level of management. So no one can fire or demote anyone else.

Your job would be to answer to 400 supervisors and tell each of us how much nicer he or she is than the others.

Supervisor/Nonsupervisor

You would make minimum wage supervising other people who also make minimum wage. Your job would be to set policy for a staff that has already seen 14 supervisors this year get fired after trying to set policy. Benefits include watching the entire company close up shop and move to Thailand.

Imaginary Staff Member

We are setting up interviews with possible candidates for an imaginary job in an industry that might exist if everything were different.

Since the job does not exist and the industry has not been invented, your duties could include nearly anything, including light typing, operation of space craft, construction of tiny cities that could be inhabited by children, eating light bulbs and other household products in front of large, appreciative crowds and continuous ballroom dancing for up to 14 hours.

We would like to emphasize again that we do not have any actual openings. But we are very interested to see how many people actually answer this ad. During your phone interview, expect giggling.