EVERY SPAM MAIL YOU EVER GET
Courier-Post, Cherry Hill, N.J.
Published: 8/4/2002
Syndicated by Gannett News Service

Dear future millionaire,

Are you sick of your life and everyone in it? That is why I have sent this personal, private e-mail to you, and 148 other people whose e-mail addresses are right next to yours alphabetically. If I, skeevy_joe126@automatedspam.com, would take the time to write this note to you and at least 148 other people that you know of, don't you owe it to me, yourself and your grandmother – that's right, your grandmother, the one you like – to read this e-mail?

So let me start off by congratulating you, because you have won A FREE FLORIDA VACATION! That's right, A FREE FLORIDA VACATION! How do you know this is a legitimate offer? Because if it weren't, I wouldn't be able to use BIG CAPITAL LETTERS LIKE THESE! The law doesn't allow it.

So just click here, and five more windows will open on your computer browser. If you try to close one of the windows, five more will open. If you beg to send me money to make it stop, that will only open five more windows. Oh, you'll try to run. In a week, you'll be living out of a stolen car and eating nothing but mustard and carpeting. But how can you pass up this offer? It's a FREE FLORIDA VACATION! I could grab it for myself, of course. But it's for you!

What do you have to do for us in return? Simply browse through the following spam e-mails:

  • As I mentioned, you're a future millionaire. Click here, and you can make idiotic amounts of money in some vague way that I won't describe, for a company I won't identify. Who knows? Could be the Nazi party.

  • No? Then how would you like to buy a genuine college diploma from a prestigious, non-accredited university? How can we be prestigious, yet non-accredited? Simple. We're just like Yale, except we have no tests, classes, books, buildings or teachers, and our staff consists of some guy who's on parole for pistol-whipping a pizza delivery driver. Still, imagine the sense of accomplishment you'll feel by sending $15 for a degree that wouldn't get you a job even if you'd actually earned it. Just click on this link, and you'll open five more windows.

  • Say, do you run a business? Then perhaps you would like to hire us, the Automated Spam-Mail Corp., so we can send out a billion e-mails for you like this one, all over the world. Your name could be mumbled angrily under people's breath in at least 12 different languages.

    Marketing studies also have shown that if you send out enough spam mail with your name on it, demand for your product may or may not be affected and eventually the police will come sniffing around.

    So sign a contract with our company now, and you'll be hiring the same idiot who just sent you 107 copies of the same e-mail for a hair-replacement system. Sure, he's unbalanced. But would you rather have him as your friend or your enemy?

  • If you're a man, we can help you grow three or four inches. No, not taller, you cretin. We can just grow a certain part of your body. Let's say it's your ears. Your ears will be so big, you won't be able to fit through a door. Women everywhere will want to talk your ear off.

    In closing, let me just point out that this e-mail is not unsolicited. You only think you didn't want to read it. But actually, you received it because you signed up at one of Automated Spam-Mail's Web sites, or you signed up with a party that has contracted with Automated Spam-Mail, or some twit on eBay sold us your e-mail address.

    To unsubscribe from the Automated Spam-Mail Rewards List, click here. This will let us know that our spam has actually reached an active e-mail account, and the amount of garbage that turns up in your inbox will increase by a factor of three. Each note will claim that you asked for it to be sent to you.

    Again, we hope we can do business with you. And we believe we shall, if only you read this e-mail with an open mind, your credit card is valid and, God willing, you're elderly and don't know what you're doing.

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