The following is a rundown of our Democratic presidential contenders:

The Rev. Al Sharpton

He is a radical clergyman who once accused six white law enforcement officers of raping a 15-year-old black girl named Tawana Brawley, and was sued for defamation after doctors found no evidence of any sexual assault whatsoever. So of course, Sharpton is finding most of his support among police unions, Army veterans, oil interests, the beneficiaries of inherited wealth and Southern, middle-class white males.

I'm kidding, of course. Sharpton hopes to be elected leader of the free world by appealing to Manhattan residents living between 120th and 145th streets.

Howard Dean

The main reason the former governor of Vermont is pulling ahead seems to be that people don't actually think he'll win.

In New Hampshire, he's leading his nearest opponent, Sen. John Kerry of Massachusetts, 38 percent to 17 percent, according to a Zogby International poll conducted Aug. 23-26. But 64 percent of those voters also say President Bush is going to win anyway. So what the heck.

Expect his campaign to adopt the motto, “You're here anyway. Vote for Howard Dean.”

U.S. Sen. Joseph Lieberman

He is the most conservative of the Democratic candidates, and the most pro-war. So he appeals mainly to people who will end up voting for Bush.

Lieberman's secret weapon is that he combines many qualities of candidates who usually win the presidency. Like four of our last six presidents, he's an uncharismatic little Jewish guy from Connecticut.

Dick Gephardt

The Web page for this House member from Missouri says he is “passionately committed to raising the level of debate in American politics,” and that he wants to “put aside the `politics of personal destruction.'‚” New Hampshire voters have responded avidly to this message by giving him 6 percent of their support, down five percentage points from February.

Retired Gen. Wesley Clark

His main appeal is that he is not actually running for president. Employing this strategy, he has picked up support from 2 percent of those polled in New Hampshire, only four points behind Gephardt.

John Kerry

The Massachusetts senator stands out from the field of declared candidates primarily by having the most impressive military service record, serving on a gunboat in the Mekong Delta in Vietnam and receiving a Silver Star, Bronze Star with Combat V, and three awards of the Purple Heart.

Yes, America loves its war heroes. It loves them so much that Kerry is running a distant second in New Hampshire to a former governor who got a medical deferment from the Vietnam War, and in any case would be expected to get stomped by an incumbent president who avoided the war by joining the Air National Guard.

U.S. Sen. John Edwards

I don't know who he is.

U.S. Sen. Bob Graham

I don't know who he is either.

U.S. Rep. Dennis Kucinich, Ohio

Willie Nelson is voting for him.

Carol Moseley Braun

Expect a surprisingly strong showing from this former U.S. senator from Illinois. She has picked up key endorsements from the National Organization for Women and the National Women's Political Caucus, guaranteeing she will be a formidable presidential contender in 1976.