April, 1993
Conference Room No. 3, Hyatt Regency
Ft. Worth, Texas

“OK, all the neoconservative commentators and politicians are here. Could someone seal the doors and we’ll get started?”

“Is this going to take long, Newt? I’ve got interest compounding and I need to go home and look at it.”

“It’ll barely take any time at all. I’m just briefing you all on one point: From now on, never correct yourself, never apologize, and never, EVER admit a mistake.”

“… That’s it? You dragged me here from Florida just for that?”

“Well, Rush, I thought you might have questions.”

“Nope. Got it. Toodleloo.”

“Well, I DO have a question, Newt. When you say ‘never,’ do you mean, like, never at all, even when we’re off the air?”

“This will be as good for your personal life as it is for your career. If you never apologize, you’re never wrong. I think I know something about marriage, having had two of them and being seven years away from a third. Believe me, if you dodge responsibility, life is pretty sweet. For example, O’Reilly.”

“Yo.”

“Suppose you said or reported something inaccurate, and someone points it out. Let’s say it was just some comedian from Saturday Night Live, but he has irrefutable evidence. What would you do?”

“It doesn’t matter who points it out. Being a journalist, I would issue a correction. It’s not something I’d enjoy, but nobody gets everything right 100 percent of the time.”

“But wouldn’t it be better if you just talked about your critic as if you’d already proven something indescribably dark about him.”

“You’re right. Sorry.”

“No, don’t … (SIGH) … Look, is Ken Starr here? OK, Ken, suppose you investigated some debacle at a savings and loan. And when you were done, you kept spending taxpayer money to pin someone completely unrelated on the president of the United States – just because you didn’t like the guy. So, a few years later, you realize that, all that time, the president was trying to capture a Muslim fanatic bent on destroying America, and you were getting in the way. What would you do?”

“I would explain that I did what I thought was right but that I’m sorry I helped tear the country apart in a partisan hatchet job. … What? You’re shaking your head. What?”

“No, you’d stick your hands in your pockets, whistle innocently, walk away and bag a lucrative job at some cushy private university. In Malibu.”

“Boy. That DOES sound good.”

“Let me try one more of you guys. George Jr. Suppose you invaded Iraq and told everyone we’d be welcomed as conquerors, we’d find major weapons, we’d install democracy and we’d be out of there in 100 days. A year and a half later, we weren’t welcomed, we didn’t find major weapons, we didn’t install democracy and U.S. GIs are still getting killed and mutilated. What would say?”

“I’d have friends say John Kerry lied about his war medals.”

“See?! This guy gets it!”