I have learned the following seven things as the result of buying property:

1. No one understands me anymore except other people who own property.

It reminds me of the science fiction novel The White Mountains, by John Christopher. When children in the novel turn 14, giant alien tripods pick them up and implant a cap on their skulls, robbing them of their independence and, as the narrator puts it, "their essence of humanity." I now realize that this is a literal depiction of property ownership, merely described in terms that young readers can understand.

I find myself having long, late-night discussions with friends about interest rates. Interest rates! Sometime between pondering the wisdom of refinancing for a one-point discount and meditating deeply upon the advantages of paying your mortgage twice a month instead of once, we become brothers.

And I began to realize that, like homeowners, all dull things in nature are nonetheless interesting to each other - blades of grass, kitchen appliances and, yes, even guys who sit around at the airport talking loudly into their wireless phones, selling time shares.

2. Hardware stores are the most wonderful places on earth!

3. The moment you sign a sales agreement on your house, you start to hate renters.

This remains true even if, like me, you were a renter starting from 1978 until last May. It's part of a great, invisible division that runs right through our puny planet (and which, believe you me, the alien tripods will soon be rectifying). If you're a renter, you think owners are all bourgeois yuppies with a completely unjustifiable interest in the future. When you become an owner, renters become ... well, they're charming and all. But they leave cigarette burns, they put nail holes in the wall and when their moods shift, they'll cut you up and sell your kidneys for a bong hit.

4. An important repair tip:

If you ever notice that a side of your windowsill looks as if the previous occupant had shoddily covered a gap in the plaster with contact paper then painted over it, and you decide to pull off the paper and see if you can patch up the problem with wood putty, the first step you should take in this project is to develop some other hobby until years have gone by and you've moved somewhere else.

5. Painting is "easy."

That's right. "Anyone can paint a room." It'll all be done "in about a day or two." In theory, painting the walls and ceilings in a 300-square-foot section of interior living space should take you the better part of an afternoon. In theory. In practice, it takes about as long as it might take, say, to build a working micro-computer out of chocolate and bugs.

6. Real estate agents actually swear that women will flock to you once you've bought property.

The only problem with that theory is that, if it's true, who should have more women than anyone else in the world? That's right – your real estate agent. And come on. Look at the guy.

7. Another important repair tip:

I had intended to write this column after I was done fixing up my new place, so that I could write the complete story. But now, with bits of plaster lying everywhere and the carpeting pulled up at the corners, I realize that I will never be done.

Spackling the hundredth nail hole in the wall (left by the previous occupants – renters) and trying to scrape a little more paint off the window frame while listening to the fifth hour of the E! True Hollywood Story marathon – this is my life now. Go away. Tell my family I'm dead.