The Democrats are poised to take this election – Congress, president, it could all happen – except that the party still, even after all this time, doesn’t seem to stand for anything in particular. We’ve all know this for years, ever since Republicans took over Congress in 1994 with their “Contract with America” – a proposal for eight reforms Republicans would support if elected, ten bills they were ready to vote for and some orders for take-out food for their subcommittees two years down the line. For good or ill – whether the Republicans were sincere or not (Congress never did vote in those term limits for itself) – we knew what we were voting for, or against.

So you would think it a simple matter for Democrats to sit down and list what they actually stand for. This being politics, however, everyone assumes that job is languishing in somebody else’s committee. But I’ve got a free afternoon. So here are ten planks for the Democratic platform.

1. We promise not to lie about anything except oral sex. Remember when that was the biggest lie out there? That wasn’t so bad, was it? A little oral sex to clear our heads and everyone stays on an even keel.

2. If you disagree with us, we won’t call you a traitor. We may shake our heads condescendingly. But we look endearing when we do that, right?

3. We promise a nuanced foreign policy that you won’t understand.

4. If someone comes to us with some cockeyed theory of how we should attack some country that hasn’t attacked us first, we promise to flounder amiably and do no real damage.

5. We promise to make a lot of noise about gun control but do nothing in particular.

6. We will only cut taxes for the poor. If we cut taxes at all. Which we won’t.

7. We promise not to name federal judges who have been practicing law without a license. That much, at least, we can do.

8. If John Kerry becomes president, we promise he won’t frighten you. Or even interest you.

9. We promise to pay you $50. That’s right. Each and every one of you. Fifty bucks.

10. We promise to tell you what this last part of the platform is. Just as soon as it gets out of committee.