West Paterson has asked for a slogan warning people not to talk on cell phones while driving, and borough authorities have been so overwhelmed with suggestions that they’ve had to narrow their parameters, specifically to a slogan that does not begin or end with the words "You Yuppie Dirtbag."

In yet another example of mob hysteria, we’ve all at once decided to hate cell phones. And yet, why? Cell phones are only one of a thousand things with which people now distract themselves while driving - eating, putting on make-up, fiddling with the CD player and, my own personal favorite, roasting a ham.

Specific focus on cell phones can mean only one thing; We resent wealth. It’s class warfare. An uprising of the people. Communism.

After all, it’s been decades since anybody really paid attention to their driving - probably not since the days when automobiles were still hand-carved and the only luxury options were floorboards, and a tailpipe that didn’t leak fumes into the backseat and kill the baby.

Back then, you always had your hands busy shifting gears, pulling the choke and stoking the coal furnace to power the turn signal.

One is reminded of the Essex Road tragedy of 1925, when Lady Astor accidentally left her right-hand turn signal on from Jersey city to Paterson, resulting in an explosion in the boiler room and the deaths of three Irish laborers.

But now everything in a car is automatic - brakes, windows, rollovers - causing the American Automobile Association to change its motto at some point in the mid 1980s from "Saving Lives Through Safety" to "Take The Wheel For A Second. I Gotta Check My Horoscope," and more recently to "I’m Steering With My Knees! Wheeeeeee!"

But we’d hardly complained about it.

Then West Paterson’s council debated outlawing phoning while driving, though ultimately they opted instead for an educational approach - putting up signs, giving fake tickets, and lots of other things for which police have loads of time - because of the cost if a law were challenged in court. A legal appeal is just the kind of thing you’d expect from some rich cretin on a cell phone.

Besides, the law would be somewhat unenforceable, much like our marijuana laws - which, I guess, is why we never passed them either, right?

That didn’t stop Marlboro Township in Monmouth County from making a cell phone law, though. Now, apparently, the only way to make a call from your car there is by using a hands-free model - since, after all, it’s better to be creepy than dangerous.

Ever been in the airport when some guy starts talking into a hands-free cell phone headset you can barely even see? It’s kind of like you’re sitting next to a mental patient, except he doesn’t have anything interesting to say, and instead of talking about aliens who make people’s heads explode, he’s selling time-shares.

But getting back to the subject of driving, what’s the difference, really, between driving while talking on a cell phone, and driving while, say, eating a Ruben sandwich? It’s just a matter of social class.

A guy on a cell phone is telling the world that his ability to buy a car phone means he’s smart enough to negotiate the westbound local interchange off the George Washington Bridge while making prank calls to a radio station. A guy eating a Ruben sandwich is merely saying, "Hey. I’m a pig. You gonna finish those chips?"

And strangely, Americans resent conspicuous consumption, even while indulging in it.

That’s why I think West Paterson’s cell phone motto should be something Marxist. Something like, "Warning: This Town Washes Its Hands In The Blood Of the Oppressor."

Or perhaps the bright and catchy, "Don’t Bother Answering That Phone. It’s Just A Wake-Up Call From The Proletariat."