The following places either pose a threat to the United States or require our help so desperately that we may have to intervene on their behalf:

Antarctica

This country is too cold to support life, and has been uninhabitable for millions of years. This must stop. The problem of Antarctica no longer should be left for future generations to solve.

International humanitarian agencies that are embedded in the region have asked the United States to send 600,000 space heaters, 45,000 pocket lighters and 87,000 sets of adult-size flammable pajamas.

It is believed the ice will melt once we have deployed all these lighters, heaters and flaming research scientists who will be running around in a panic when they just wanted to go to sleep. If there is no dirt underneath once the ice is gone, Belize will be relocated.

Mississippi

This traditionally unstable region suffers 10.5 infant deaths for every 1,000 births — about the same as Costa Rica. Life expectancy is 71.98 — in the same neighborhood as China, Ecuador, North Korea and Lebanon. For every 100,000 people, 11,083 will die prematurely. And most significant of all, 44 percent of those who enter high school do not graduate and 22.9 percent of all minors live below the poverty line. This is the classic scenario for breeding terrorist cells.

Lat. 30 South, Long. 150 West

Several questions remain unanswered about this area. What's there? Well, some desolate patch of the Pacific Ocean — so admittedly, that question does have an answer. But who lives there? At just this moment, no one. But do they have weapons? Well, if no one is there, then they probably don't have weapons. Alright, but tell me this: These people who are not there and have no weapons in this area where nothing exists, why won't they cooperate?

Shelly's Hi-Top Tavern

Since new owners took over this bar last year, the drinks don't even get you buzzed. Yet the prices have gone up. Since this extra income obviously does not go toward alcohol, we can only assume it is being funneled to one of the many groups that want to topple the American system. Terrorists, perhaps? Nineteenth-century anarchists? Fourteenth-century heretics? Whoever this shadow group may be, we must show that the United States approaches problems with a firm resolve, that we will not bow, that we will not break and that we as a great nation are not fooled by a Long Island ice tea that's mostly Coke.

The Playboy Mansion

National security officials do not know what exactly goes on there, since our nation's leaders are too cheap to pay $9.99 for two videos in which viewers “Party with the hottest celebrities, the sexiest Playmates, and even Hef himself” (according to the advertisement).

However, having a party-like relationship with creatures on a TV screen smacks of cultism and witchcraft. And judging from the pictures in this ad, women are unable to escape from the mansion, since someone has stolen their clothing and left them nothing to wear except sandwich wrap and tiny, edible slacks.

Sam's Club

Security officials are very interested in this wholesale shopping club, though pretty much for the same reason the rest of us are: They keep thinking how funny it would be to buy that 30-pound box of Snickers bars. United Nations officials have not been able to examine these facilities, however, because none of the inspectors will buy a membership card — figuring it's silly to spend $35 to join when all they're going to buy is a bag of frozen green burritos and maybe some tires.