Just because something is illegal doesn't necessarily mean I should be caught when I do it.

I bring this up because soon there will be no escaping capture — though only for dumb little things. While no one can stop you from, say, robbing bookies, technology can see every time you drive too fast.

There has been much discussion of setting up little cameras along the highway, of clocking people as they drive through the toll plazas and of stocking everyone's backseat with a cranky old person who will remind us continually that we're drivin' like some kind of cowboy, and, incidentally, that kids these days are all foul-mouthed little scum.

And for other small crimes, police with the right warrant can use satellite cameras, listening devices and, of course, those radio transmitters the Martian anthropologists implanted in my teeth.

The voices! The voices!

But whenever I complain about this, people soundly point out that speeding and drugs, after all, are illegal. My view, though, is that human beings aren't built to obey the law quite so perfectly. Man is a flawed creature. My religious school teachers used to say so, as do most women after they've gone out with me for a while.

Everyone likes to break the law now and then: Even I get a little restless if I don't drive a little too fast or walk into a Barnes & Noble every so often with my pants down. And in most other ways, I'm pretty law-abiding: I don't cheat on my taxes, and it's been so long since I’ve used any illegal substances that the statute of limitations is almost up and soon I'll be able to admit to it sincerely, instead of facetiously, as I'm doing now.

Look at the problem historically. In ancient times, authorities used to cut off a thief's hands. This was partly because, in ancient times, the authorities' parents tended to be cousins, so the authorities were what was viewed back then as "whimsical." But it also was because they didn't catch thieves that often, and they wanted to set an example. When constables started catching more thieves, however, judges started cutting off fewer hands. Years later, all those savings and loans failed. Coincidence?

Similarly, the current laws and penalties for, say, speeding, were passed on the assumption that you didn't usually get caught, that the speed limit wasn't really the speed limit and that certain obscure laws existed mainly to help police officers get dates. We've had tacit exceptions to the law that we'll have to make explicit in the statutes soon. Viz:

"On highways where the speed limit is posted as 65 mph, the speed limit is 75 mph. Drivers traveling at 70 mph in these areas must remain on the right-hand shoulder and watch how real men handle a car. Drivers traveling at 65 mph in a 65 mph zone may be declared legally dead by their families."

"Smoking marijuana is against the law unless you live in a nice house. Individuals found in possession of cocaine or other hard drugs shall be punished by being given a high-profile agent and a recurring role on ‘Ally McBeal.’"

"Tapping and using cable television service without the agreement of the cable service provider is punishable by three to seven years of limitless viewing enjoyment."

"Recording, digitizing, copying from the Napster Web site or otherwise appropriating intellectual property without the owner's express permission shall be considered theft. However, neither this law nor any other would classify Metallica’s music as ‘intellectual.’"

"It is illegal to exchange sex for money. But it is not illegal to exchange sex for tradable commodities, such as soy beans or alfalfa. You work it out."

And so forth. We've always presumed a certain amount of slack, because police can't be everywhere at once. But our computers and tiny wireless cameras can. They miss nothing, record everything, have no opinions and remember our high scores at Tetris.

We cannot live up to the standards of our own technology. And that, in conclusion, is why I shouldn’t have to pay this ticket. Also, the tiny wireless camera only pulled me over ’cause I'm a Jew.