I have concluded that, with the United States about to turn two-and-a-quarter centuries old, people are demanding that the Constitution be rewritten by a minor humor columnist.

Just look at the newspaper, especially the letters to the editor section. According to what I read there, the environmental whackos and Satanic industrialists are in a cabal with the ultra-liberal conservatives, George Bush is making gas more expensive so we'll use more of it, and don't even get me started on the brain-eating space kittens.

The Constitution just doesn't address modern life. So:

Article 1 – Legislative powers. In whom vested. How and by whom representatives are chosen. How they are taught simple tasks such as dressing themselves and making spaghetti.

All legislative powers shall be vested in a Congress of the United States, which shall consist of the House of Representatives, the Senate and AARP.

Members of the House shall be elected every two years by the People – mostly the oil People. A representative must be at least 25 years old (since he might have to rent a car), shall have been a citizen of the United States for at least seven years and, upon being challenged by any other member of Congress, must yell "Our House is a very, very, very fine House!" and drink a shot.

Senators shall be elected every six years and shall be drawn from a pool of closeted serial killers, venerated old racists and the kind of people who would eat a salamander if you paid them enough.

Congress as a body is authorized to lay and collect taxes, borrow on the credit of the United States and, just to sweeten the deal, root through your sock drawer and keep whatever it finds.

Article 2 – President, process of election. You're going to want to sit down for this.

Each state shall appoint a number of electors equal to the whole number of senators and representatives to which the state may be entitled in the Congress, divided by pi. These electors shall, one by one, die in mysterious helicopter accidents. The head of IBM shall give the presidency to his brother-in-law.

Article 3 – Judicial powers.

The primary function of the Supreme Court shall be to confirm that laws passed by Congress are precisely as dumb we thought.

Article 4 – Political affiliations.

Because the original Constitution made no provision for organized political parties, the division between liberals and conservatives shall be as follows:

Liberals shall solve the problems of an inner city by meeting in an office 100 miles away and guessing what would be good for the poor.

Conservatives shall solve the problems of an inner city by meeting in an office 100 miles away and guessing what would be good for themselves.

AMENDMENT I

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof, though, inexplicably, you will get nowhere by telling a judge, "Dude, I worship pot." Congress also shall not abridge the freedom of speech, or of the press, trusting that most young reporters shall be subdued and broken eventually by the bad pay.

AMENDMENT II

A well-regulated militia being necessary to the security of a free state, every nut-job gets an uzi. Yeehaw!

AMENDMENT III

The official anthem shall be "Hot for Teacher," by Van Halen. The official album shall be Aerosmith's "Pump."

AMENDMENT IV

The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution are reserved to the states. The powers not delegated to the states are reserved to Ted Masharelli, a barber in Haddon Township, NJ. Congratulations, Ted!

AMENDMENT V

This Constitution may be amended if two-thirds of Congress ratifies it, or if you can get enough of your friends to say it's a good idea, even if they're just agreeing with everything you say so they can get off the phone with you.

Remember, the Constitution belongs to you. And if I see you or it anywhere near my compound, I'm radioing the snipers.