What can make us happy? What element is missing in our lives? What do we all want?

Well, Al Moshell of Sewell, NJ, wants an alto saxophone or bass guitar with amp, for which he will exchange a Weider Model #8530 Home Gym system. In the Clementon, NJ, area, somebody wants a boat, waverunner or quad, in exchange for professional painting services. And Jim Butler of Washington Township just wants a working go-cart, for which he will trade a 1971 Opal GT.

Of all the things I find in the newspaper where I work – the Courier-Post, in Cherry Hill, NJ – none offers as tangible a view of our values as the weekly bartering column. It runs in Thursday's "Communities" section, which goes only to certain towns, so not all our newspapers include it. But it's a listing of trade offers, and it gives unexpected hints of how we live:

"Iron wagon wheels, two, in exchange for anchor for display," "Split firewood for bamboo plants," or even "Border collie stud service … for something of comparable value," whatever in God's name that might be.

And what's the deal with this?

"Summer vacation at hotel in Wildwood or Wildwood Crest, in exchange for tiered wedding cake."

This ad was placed by Eastern Trade Alliance of Turnersville, working for Bob Sheets, owner of Flower World on Route 38 in Pennsauken. So who's getting married? Sheets' dog.

It's part of Sheets' annual charity fund-raiser next month. "Every year, he has a party," said Maureen Flynn, trade manager for Eastern Trade Alliance. And every party has a theme … casino night or a Western theme, for example. "This year," Flynn said, "the theme is ‘Smoky Falls in Love.’"

Romance in the bartering world also takes other forms:

"Forced air whole house furnace, delivered and installed, new, in exchange for marquee or pear-shaped engagement ring, at least 3/4 ct., or almost-new riding mower."

Ed Losco of Mount Laurel has been married for 35 years, and his wife's wedding band still has no diamond. He also has about an acre and a half of land. So either the ring or the mower would be fine.

Then there's this:

"Certified masseuse Swedish massage, in exchange for same services."

Let's take that one at face value and move on.

It turns out that most of the above listings have received little response. Poor Jim Butler still can't get rid of his 1971 Opal (which hasn't worked in years, but is a good source of replacement parts for, well, for another 1971 Opal), and John Hartley of Washington Township, the man offering the wagon wheels for an anchor, has gotten only one call. "But it wasn't the right anchor," he said.

One commodity in the bartering column, however, has been a major hit:

"Horse manure, great fertilizer for vegetable garden, in exchange for removal from property."

This ad has attracted 30 calls in just over the last few months.

"You'd be surprised," said the ad's author, Nancy, who wouldn't give her last name. And who can blame her for guarding her privacy? Usually if your phone rings that much, you've got a stalker. "Horse manure is better than cow manure. It breaks down topsoil."

Then, too, earthworms love the stuff, she said. So fishermen dig through it for bait. Let me summarize what I just said: People drive all the way to this woman's corral in Williamstown so they can pick worms out of horse droppings.

And this is what makes people happy?! Maybe we should all rethink this and look at that Weider Home Gym again. Or perhaps the border collie stud service could be of comparable value to the iron wagon wheels – unless the sex-crazed border collie ends up ruining Smoky’s wedding. And is the certified Swedish masseuse absolutely, positively sure that he or she does not have a go-cart?

All I know is that I'm heading down to Williamstown and joining the line for the horse manure. I don't have a vegetable garden, and I don't even want to talk about the worms. But the key to my life and values is this: If that many people want something, I want it first.