Many young people are dazzled by our legal system’s appealing façade and pleasant, cedar-like aroma. But the law is also actually very important and complicated. Literally billions of laws are passed every day, some of them so small that molecular scientists have only begun to discover what exactly it is that we’re not allowed to do. In this report, we hope to show that the law is a really impressive heap of stuff, and that without it, we’d all probably die or something.

Lesson One: Criminal Law

In our first case study, coming out of Freehold, Ambrose Harris is accused of killing a fellow death row inmate by, in the thoughtful words of the Mercer County medical examiner, "forcefully and repeatedly stomping on his face."

Obviously authorities cannot put a death row inmate any further into jail than he already is, and they cannot sentence him to anymore death than he’s already going to get. Mr. Harris’ attorneys don’t even deny that their client killed the late Robert "Mudman" Simon, claiming only that it was self-defense. Perhaps if Harris hadn’t "forcefully and repeatedly" stomped "Mudman" Simon in the face, Simon might, I suppose, have eaten Harris’ foot.

So one should think the trial will go quickly. One should think again. Proceedings have gone no further than arguing over whether Harris will appear in court wearing shackles. This would seem to be the least of his problems, but due process requires that lawyers fight over every detail, before Harris … goes back to his cell, I guess.

This helps us understand why defense lawyers also want Harris unshackled when they meet with him in prison, because if you’re a lawyer in this case, how long do you really want to live?

It also helps us mourn for Simon — who himself was condemned to death for gunning down a Franklin Township police sergeant. Too soon for the Mudman. Too soon. At least a couple of months too soon.

Lesson Two: Civil Law

For a more serious case, we turn to Lockport, New York, where someone named Pat Higgins — this year’s winner of the Martha Stewart Medal for Eerie Sublimation Techniques — held a wedding ceremony for a pair of German Shepherds and sent them in a stretch limousine to Niagara Falls. The law is particularly useful in this case because, by passing the right ordinance, a state can invalidate that marriage if it turns out both dogs are male.

Lesson Three: International Law

Not many people understand why international panels are important. In fact, nobody can give any good reason at all why international panels are important. But in fact, international panels should be encouraged to criticize more world conflicts, because there’s always the chance they’ll blame the French.

That’s what a panel did recently when examining the 1994 Rwanda genocide in which a small group of Hutu extremists slaughtered 500,000 Tutsi’s and moderate Hutus. A seven-member panel created by the Organization of African Unity concluded it was those pesky French again, who should have interfered with the 90-day slaughter, and who I think could have stopped the whole thing if only they’d had more people skills.

Of course, the panel also blamed the United States and Belgium. But it’s a fair trade-off, because without this panel, some of the blame for the massacre in Rwanda might accidentally have been placed on Rwanda.

Conclusion

The law is really useful. It’s really, really, really, really useful. You can do all kinds of things with the law. Seriously. Lots of stuff. I’m tired. Go away.