People keep asking me, “Oh Barry, would you be ever so kind as to correct my grammar, particularly when we're having an argument and you're trying to avoid the subject?” Of course, their linguistic abilities are so poor that they don't phrase it like that, managing only to say, “Why are you sleeping in my car? Don't you live anywhere?”

So to save time, I will spend this column telling you everything I know about grammar. That way, you can let me sleep. And would it kill you to drop me off at work in the morning? I'm in the car already anyway.

The most common mistake people make is to use one word when they should use another. The moral is, never use one word. For example, people often say “cribbage” when they mean something else. And many people say I am an idiot when in fact they mean that I am not.

A few common misusages:

Who vs. whom

Use “who” when it's the subject of a clause, as you would use “he,” “she” or “it.” Use “whom” when it is the object of a clause, as you would use “him,” “her” or “it.”

If that does not clear it up for you, remember this simple rule: When in doubt whether to use “who” or “whom,” replace it with “anyway” and start a new sentence. For example:

“I just ran into that guy who you dated last year … whom you dated … Anyway, he had plastic surgery to make himself look like you.”

It's vs. its

“It's” is a contraction of “it is.” “Its” is a possessive pronoun, such as “his” or “hers.” If you're not sure which one is appropriate, always use “its,” the reason being that, in the majority of cases in which the usage is in question, most people don't much care what you do.

Me or I

Many people say “me” when they mean “I,” and “I” when they mean someone else.

For example: “I ruled the Soviet Union in the middle of the 20th century, and am believed to have slaughtered millions.” Rather than “I,” you mean “Josef Stalin.” Most people do.

“Hopefully”

Starting a sentence with “hopefully” tends to be a mistake. “Hopefully” is an adverb – a word that modifies a noun or an adjective. So if you say, “Hopefully, you won't get too drunk and tell that story again,” what does “hopefully” modify: “Get”? “Tell”? Are you actually trying to say, “I hope you won't get too drunk like you did last time and tell that awful story, because you don't know how to drink and must be treated like a child”? Because if that's what you mean, why don't you just say it? Why do you and I always have to play this game?

Verb/Subject agreement

It's often said that a verb must agree in number and person with its subject. And the people who often say this – well, most of us aren't too excited to see them coming around.

Nonetheless, they are correct. One man mixed a singular subject with a plural verb case and blew off three of his fingers. Another man who meant to use a second-person singular verb employed a third-person plural verb. And even though those are the same verb (“you are,” “they are”), he was kicked unconscious by school children and thrown into a pit with a man who had used the phrase “so totally” while addressing the president.

Three important tips

1. Probably the most common misuse of language is when people just go on and on about nothing.

2. Though strict rules govern language, those rules were written mainly by people who aren't here anymore. So if, for example, you used “affect” when you meant “effect,” it could be all right if we all just agreed to shut up and go along with it.

3. I drink because I enjoy it, not because I have a problem. Take your pity elsewhere.