Why does summer feel so timeless? Is it the smells of soft drinks and cut grass that transport us back to our youth? Possibly. Or maybe it's that the summer movies are more or less the same every year.

But at least it makes them easy to review. The following are capsuled descriptions of summer films. Reuse each year, as needed.

Adam Sandler Plays a Guy Who Hits Something Really Hard: In this soul-searching movie, Adam Sandler plays a guy who hits something really hard. I forget if it's a golf ball, a football team or Peter Gallagher. “A labyrinthine character study of a guy who hits something really hard,” says film critic Joel Siegel. “I wept.”

The Kookermann Triplets – The Movie: Another two-minute “Saturday Night Live” sketch lovingly padded out to an hour and a quarter, with the generous addition of pointless chase scenes and half a dozen elaborately constructed, computer-enhanced toilet jokes. At the core of the story are the Kookermann triplets, and what's so hilarious about them is that they wear really wide ties. Really wide. They're so wide that it's just inappropriate. Also, they think they're Ben Affleck. An hour and a quarter. Chris Kattan plays all the roles, including that of Smoky, the attention-deficient border collie that gets trapped in the Liberty Bell.

Star Wars – The Fourth Star Wars Movie From The Left: The actors sound like they're trying out for a high school production of “Bus Stop.” The scenery looks like the cover of a science fiction novel come to life – well, not life exactly. Whatever you call it when something is dead but gets up and walks around anyway. The dialogue has enough exposition for a documentary on mollusks. You don't care whether these characters live or die – or, 15 minutes into the film, whether you live or die either. But you're going to go see this movie anyway because it's “Star Wars.” It's as if an old girlfriend came back to town, and she's not that cute anymore and her jokes are annoying, but the whole country has to marry her anyway because we all told her we loved her 25 years ago.

Mr. Davidson's Simple Day: A middle-aged man – maybe Jack Nicholson, maybe Hugh Grant; what year is this, anyway? – is so crazy and selfish that he drives people away. The lonelier he gets, the worse he behaves, the less people like him, the more self-indulgent and possibly suicidal he becomes. But then he gets a dog or a child or a gay neighbor or a balloon or some damn thing, or maybe Helen Hunt spills coffee on him. Anyway, now he's aaaaall better.

Woman in Peril: A woman – usually played by a pop star or former model who is trying to be taken seriously in Hollywood – has a homicidal husband – played by a young actor you will never hear from again. With empowerment and resourcefulness (Oprah says “You must see this movie!”), she escapes the psycho's evil clutches and gets on with her life, blissfully undaunted by the rotten instincts that got her into this mess in the first place and apparently unaware that if the last guy she fell for was a psycho, the next guy probably will be, too. And her father was probably no prize either.

The Ropers – The Movie: In the tradition of turning long-dead TV shows into movies, this film is based on the “Three's Company” spin-off in which the landlord Stanley Roper and his sexually frustrated wife Helen move to a condominium in Cheviot Hills. Like all films in this genre, the movie contains sly references to the original TV show, the limitation here being that the show ran for only 26 episodes and lasted for a little over a year (March 1979 to May 1980) in five different time slots. In the movie, Helen tries to makes friends at the condominium (sly reference to original TV episode No. 6) while Stanley spends their vacation money on a recliner (episode No. 17). The recliner turns out to be defective, leaving open the possibility of a sequel.

Things Blow Up: Boy, do they ever! Bruce Willis or Tommy Lee Jones or someone plays a policeman or a cowboy or some damn thing. And there's this one scene where he drives a helicopter into a custard stand. It is soooooo cool! I can't even remember what the movie was about! Neither will you!