So you’ve just graduated — possibly from high school, possibly from rehab. Who cares? The point is, you used to be doing something, and now you’re doing something else. Right? Have I nailed it?

Okay, now you’ve got to figure out what to do with your life — and by the way, THIS DECISION MUST BE MADE IMMEDIATELY!!! Everything you do in the next, oh let’s just say the next TWO DAYS will determine whether you LIVE OR DIE!!! DO YOU WANT TO DIE??!! IS THAT WHY YOU’RE FREEZING UP ON ME NOW??!! YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!!! YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!!! YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!!! AAAAAAAAAGH!!!!

Heh heh, just kidding. You’re 18. You’re never going to die. If you’re like most people graduating high school, you’ll just spend the next couple of years trying a lot of different careers, staggering around in circles and bumping into things like a blind kitten. And one of the most instructive and, in the long run, forgiving parts of this process will be your first real job.

I won’t lie. You’ll end up working some crappy, underpaid indentured servitude that, in 20 years, will probably strike you as completely irrelevant to everything that followed — and those low expectations will be the best part of the job. It doesn’t matter whether you’re frying pies at McDonalds, scraping restrooms at the Meadowlands or (I swear I had to do this once) standing guard all night over two locked Port-a-Johns. As long as you don’t steal your boss’s car and drive to a Phish concert in Arizona, you’ll be head-and-shoulders above the last guy who worked there.

Entry-level jobs tend to fall into a few basic categories:

Food Services

You can actually learn a lot from a food service job. I was a dishwasher at a smorgasbord, and after three months of dumping and cleaning virtually full plates of food, I realized the same thing that most people in the food service industry discover at some point or another: there isn’t as much difference as you would think between when something is garbage and when it is still food. Perhaps you, too, will learn something as profound as that.

Sales

You poor idiot. You poor miserable idiot. Entry-level sales people have to go out and … You poor, miserable, wretched idiot. You’re going to have to get in people’s faces and — by the way, you get paid on commission, right? … You poor, wretched, bumbling … No, I don’t need another vacuum cleaner. No. Get away.

Moving Large Objects

This is actually a good job, because you learn that you’re stronger than you think. You really can get all those washing machines up those stairs if you’re paid enough overtime, and you become willing to accept other, greater challenges. The other wonderful thing this job teaches you is that you absolutely, positively have to go to college and get away from this, because man, your co-workers are morons.

Military Service

Since I have never been in the Army, I can tell you without hesitation that THEY’RE ALL A BUNCH OF BABY-KILLERS!!! Ha ha, what a kidder I am. None of the veterans I know ever killed a baby, though with a certain friend of mine (now a journalist), I suspect that’s only because babies make such small targets. So with that option ruled out, most people in the military spend their time learning job skills, getting money for college and taking up smoking. The main drawback I’ve heard is that you don’t know what to do with yourself when you get out.

Fortunately, whether you’re leaving the military or some other career, there’s always room for more people in sales … you poor, miserable, wretched, obnoxious — I’m closing the door now. Get your hand out of the doorway or I’ll break it.