Now that summer has attacked us, the news in New Jersey has turned from dry, bureaucratic stories about government corruption to dry, bureaucratic stories about the beach.

Notable among the summer fun stories is in Sandy Hook, where a surfing advocacy group is fighting against the installation of a sand-pumping operation that would help keep the main road from washing out. I don't even know what a sand pump is or whether it would be as hilarious as I think to pump 1,530 pounds of sand into somebody's Corvette.

But I am curious about this "surfing advocacy group." Imagine — surf lobbyists. It almost sounds like a … like a SUMMER SURF MOVIE BLOCKBUSTER!!

Fade in:

EXT. JERSEY SHORE — DAY

The sun reflects off the waves on a summer afternoon. Moondoggy (Brad Pitt) is hanging 10 on a swell when he crashes into a giant sand bar that has popped up out of nowhere.

Moondoggy — (spitting out sand) Who the ... ? What the ... ? Where the ... ? When the ... ? How many the ... ?

The mound of sand was created by a giant sand pump, overseen by a Parks Department employee (Carrot Top) who claps and squeals like a toddler as he watches it go.

Parks Dept. Official — Whee! Put more sand in the big pile!

Moondoggy — Dude! You're dissin' my beach!

Parks Dept. Official — Sorry, fellah. We've got orders to move the entire beach 3 feet to the left.

Moondoggy — But the beach belongs to the people!

Parks Dept. Official — To be more precise, it belongs to the Parks Department people. Now if you'll excuse me, a whale just washed up, and it didn't buy a beach tag.

Moondoggy — This is bogus. I'm gonna go to Trenton and be a lobbyist and stuff. Does anybody know where to buy long pants?

Kids on the beach rock out. Cut to:

INT. GOVERNOR'S OFFICE — DAY

Acting Gov. Donald DiFrancesco is at his desk. We learn through a collage of newspaper clippings on the wall that many people have tried to topple his administration, but he keeps escaping capture because it is impossible to describe what he looks like or distinguish him from any other human being on earth. The governor's secretary (Lyle Lovett) leads Moondoggy into the office.

Secretary — Here's the governor, Mr. Moondoggy.

Moondoggy — Where is he?

Secretary — He's the balding man right there, with the brown hair.

Moondoggy — … I still can't pick him out.

Donny D. — I'm Gov. DiFrancesco. Can I help you?

Moondoggy — Where are you?

Donny D. — I'm right here. I'm the only other person in the room. I'm jumping up and down and wearing a flower-print muumuu.

Moondoggy — It's amazing. No matter how hard I try to look at you, I just end up looking at something else. Anyway. Dude. You've got to save our beach.

Donny D. — Son, I'm a surfer myself. I'll take care of it!

Cut to:

EXT. JERSEY SHORE — DAY

Kids rock out with Acting Gov. Donald DiFrancesco. Assembly Speaker Jack Collins is hanging 10 in the surf. Everyone's car gets ticketed. Contractors replace the Atlantic Ocean with a Jiffy Lube. The governor lied. Credits roll with governor speaking directly to the camera:

Donny D. — Hey. Someone in the theater go out and see if the lady who's selling popcorn has all her permits.

Fade out.