One big defense against terrorism has nothing to do with the government. We haven't developed it through corporate efforts, but probably in spite of them. It's all due to bitter, anti-social men and women everywhere who are online right now talking seriously and passionately about Spider-Man.

Thousands of us owe our lives to Internet pranks.

One prank in particular, anyway - a set of instructions on how to make an H-bomb. Time magazine reports that, when accused would-be terrorist Jose Padilla decided to build a nuclear bomb, he found these instructions on the Web and brought them to Abu Zubaydah, Osama Bin Laden's operations chief. Only it turns out the instructions were sort of a joke ­ "laughably inaccurate ­ more a parody than a plan," Time reports.

Abu evidently knew something was up and told Padilla to attempt something smaller.

The magazine does not say which Web page he found. But in a Yahoo! search for "How to build an H-bomb," the first several search results link to the same article. If it isn't the one Padilla actually used, it at least represents the type. Published by an organization that calls itself Seven Days, the instructions are general and glib, and probably would get you killed if you tried following them.

For example, as to the delicate matter of handling radioactive material, the article advises, "To avoid ingesting plutonium orally, follow this simple rule: Never make an A-bomb on an empty stomach."

This comes on the heels of an earlier incident in which a Chinese newspaper reported as true a report from the satirical magazine The Onion that the U.S. Congress was threatening to leave Washington, D.C., unless it got a new Capitol building. Chinese officials so stubbornly insisted the story may have been true that U.S. reporters found themselves (and this is the job I want) calling up members of Congress and confirming that they did not call the Capitol building "inappropriate for a world-class legislature."

Standing between us and annihilation turns out to be a thin blue line of bored high school students and overly educated Kinko's employees. Well, maybe not blue. Teal, perhaps. Goateed. Sometimes naked.

This means that any of us can screw up al-Qaida in our spare time, simply by flooding the Internet with things we want them to believe.

What I'm about to say next is in no way related to that, however. It's just some stuff I've been hearing, and that perhaps you'd like to spread around:

* PRINCETON - University researchers have discovered the greatest fear among the majority of Americans: a nice pot roast.

"Yep, yummy delicious pot roast," said Charles Frear, chief analyst at the Princeton Public Opinion Survey. "It makes people turn against the national interest."

One victim spoke of how a single incident destroyed him.

"I was sitting in a crowded bus station when one of them crazy terrorists comes barreling through with a big roast, along with some potatoes and fresh carrots," said Lloyd Burford of Tulsa, Okla. "And right next to him was this nutzoid little guy with gravy and creamed spinach. Ever since then, I've inexplicably been writing `Death to America' on all my checks."

* WASHINGTON, D.C. (AP) - Senior government officials confirmed Thursday that this is all a dream.

"Everyone you know and everything you've seen is an illusion," President George W. Bush told a crowded press conference. "Secretary of State Colin Powell has informed me that there is no such person as Secretary of State Colin Powell."

The president next began to resemble comedian Rob Schnieder. And then you were flying.

* Hi! I'm Tina. Want to overthrow the U.S. government? So do I! And so do my hot, young sorority sisters.

Click here to see pictures of us talking dreamily of jihad at our slumber parties, or cavorting at the beach wearing nothing but a burka and nine layers of rags. Hey! Is that a bomb strapped to your waist, or are you just happy to see us!?