The following summary of political and partisan conflicts is a service by the Herald News to remind readers what the election issues are, and why you have stopped paying attention to them.

In addition, we at the Herald News would like to point out that the following column is a joke. See? Fake names in all the local stories. Joke. Don't sue.

Gore Recants Recantation

WASHINGTON -- On the advice of campaign strategists, Vice President Al Gore declared Thursday that candy tastes good.

This contradicts his assertion last week that candy does not taste good.

In contrast, Texas Gov. George W. Bush has remained a remarkably consistent candidate, reiterating his campaign promise to wipe out 30 percent of the population.

``Kill! Kill! Kill! Kill! Kill!'' Bush said at a rally Thursday to a shrieking and supportive mob of flesh-eating zombies.

Water Stirs Freeholders

PATERSON -- Republican freeholders have called for the resignation of another Democratic appointee, infrastructure review counselor Joe Clumpf, after Clumpf drank from a public drinking fountain and allegedly let his lips touch the spout.

``This smacks of corruption and featherbedding,'' said freeholder Hank Flarm. ``Besides, every John Q. Public has already put his lips on that thing.''

Clumpf responded Thursday, saying, ``I never drank any water. Nor am I aware what precisely it is people do with it.''

Flarm had previously also accused Clumpf of corruption and featherbedding last summer after Clumpf threw an apple core into a secretary's wastebasket.

``That apple core is going to smell,'' Flarm had said. ``This guy should totally resign.''

Political Territory Marked

WASHINGTON -- In an effort to show dominance, Republican members of the House of Representatives got up on their hind legs Thursday and made a show of stealing the Democrats' bananas.

Democrats were forced to expose their hindquarters in a gesture of submission.

``But we're still hoping a legislative analyst's report will prove our rightful ownership of the bananas,'' a Democratic representative said Thursday.

More Resignations Desired

TICKVILLE -- Councilman Brad Flick has called for Councilman Dave Spliff's resignation because the consultant Spliff chose for the infrastructure code review once had dinner with Spliff's cousin's wife's pet sitter.

``I'm sorry, could you repeat all that?'' Spliff responded Thursday night. ``I blanked.''

In other council business, Flick introduced a proposal to pay his brother $7 million to build the entire proposed School 12 by himself.

``What?'' Flick said. ``What's everybody looking at me for?''

More Clinton Sex Charges

NEW YORK -- Republican U.S. Rep. Rick Lazio has released damaging but unsubstantiated charges that his likely opponent for the Senate, Hillary Rodham Clinton, has slept with President Bill Clinton.

Spokesmen for Hillary Clinton would not confirm or deny the charge.

``Ms. Clinton is campaigning on the issues of health care and infrastructure regulation, rather than irresolvable debates over whether she has or has not had sex with her husband.''

``We would like, if possible, to run a purely positive campaign, in the tradition of Michael Dukakis.''