Health is almost the most valuable thing a person can have, second only to a 1999 Mitsubishi Eclipse, which is currently selling on ebay for $4,650. So health is right up there.

The following is a basic guide to your health, though not to mine – for I am an android, and laugh at your human tendency to grow old and feel pain.

Basic First Aid

Everyone should know how to react in the following situations:

Fainting: If the victim feels faint, lower his head to his knees. If he doesn't bend so good, push down hard.

Heat Stroke: Remove victim from the heat and remove any tight clothing. Put on a Barry White album. Make wiz ze romance.

Asphyxiation: If you come upon someone whose face is blue, try to readjust his or her color with either the color or the tint knobs.

Choking: Place hands on neck. Push thumbs into windpipe. Continue until the nagging stops.

Food And Nutrition

Food contains proteins, carbohydrates, fats, water, vitamins, minerals and usually a certain amount of hair. Until recently, proteins were thought to consist of amino acids. Scientists have discovered, however, that proteins are actually made of incredibly small farm animals. Proteins from beef are in fact teeny tiny cows. Proteins from poultry consist of microscopic chickens. Proteins from pork, when viewed under a microscope, turn out to be the smallest pigs imaginable. And so forth. It is recommended not to combine mutton and beef, as this starts range wars over grazing space in the blood stream. And sheep, when they are that small, carry knives.

As to carbohydrates, forget about them, see? Carbohydrates took a little ride, and they ain't coming back, see? So maybe you should just clam up and forget you ever heard of carbohydrates, you get me?

Vitamins come in different types.

Vitamin A: Allows people to see through walls. You can literally never eat too much of this stuff.

Vitamins B, D and E, and K: Over-rated. Virtually useless.

Vitamin C: A stupid, embarrassing vitamin. Kind of a joke among professional nutritionists.

Katamine-7: The strange green substance that almost killed Superman in Action Comics issue number 23.

Minerals are also important, to replace what we lose every day through exercise, stress and strip-mining. The most common mineral in our bodies is a combination of chalk and epoxy, which serves as a caulking compound to keep us from leaking. The second most common mineral is pyrite, or “fool's gold.” The third most common is copper, as most people swallow a penny or two at some point or another.

Disease

Some diseases such as dengue fever or beriberi occur so frequently that it's best to assume you already have them. But here is what to watch out for with other illnesses.

Warning signs of lumbago:
1. Muscle pain.
2. Stiffness.
3. Someone says, “Dude. You have lumbago.”

Warning signs of high blood pressure:
1. Whenever you get mad, steam comes out of your ears, just like in the cartoons.
2. When you cut your finger, blood shoots across the street.
3. Everyone on the planet except you is an absolute, total moron.

Further Advice

Regular people always give better advice than physicians. Doctors tell you to eat broccoli and jog around a track because doctors enjoy making you look stupid. Remember:

^ Don't trust doctors.

^ Forcibly remove the chip that the CIA has implanted in your head.

^ Don't talk to the guy who lives downstairs. He's trying to kill you with radio waves.

Also, eat a piece of fruit now and then. Can't hurt.