Congratulations, you have passed the test to become an American citizen. You will receive all the rights and privileges of every other American, except the ability to run for president or be taken seriously on talk shows.

However, being an America citizen is not quite the same thing as being an actual American. To fit in among other Americans, you must get at least two answers correct in the following test. The test is multiple-choice. So you need not understand the answer in order to get it right. That is the first hint at how most actual Americans operate.

1. What does the Sixth Amendment to the U.S. Constitution guarantee?

a) The right to a speedy and public trial by an impartial jury.

b) Low-income financing on a car or motorboat.

c) I don’t know.

(The correct answer is C. If you’re really an American, you have no idea what the Sixth Amendment is.)

2. If it’s seven weeks into the baseball season and the Phillies have a record of 19 and 16, can they still win the National League East?

a) Hell YEAH they can win! They’re only one game behind the Marlins. They may not have a lot of flash, but the Phillies have the best team ERA in baseball.

b) I believe that these gentlemen can, indeed, triumph in this contest of which you speak, as long as they pray to Allah.

c) Who cares? We’ll all be dead someday.

(The real answer is C. But if you give an answer out loud, best stick with A.)

3. What are the first words of the national anthem?

a) Oh, say can you see ...

b) O say kan U C ...

c) Meet George Jetson, his boy Elroy, daughter Judy, Jane his wife.

(None of the answers is correct. The words of our national anthem, in its entirety, are, “The light is green, you idiot!”)

4. Where is America on a map?

a) Between Canada and Mexico.

b) Wherever it damn well wants to be!

c) Yeah! Wherever it damn well wants to be! Hoot! Hoot! Hoot!

(The correct answer to anything in America is “Hoot! Hoot! Hoot!”)