Democratic candidates for president are bolting out of the gate – if by “bolting” you mean stepping out, stepping back, and staring tentatively into space like squirrels.

Democratic candidates don't seem to know what to do with themselves, and I suspect that has only partially to do with President Bush's high popularity rating. The larger problem is that President Clinton triangulated his party into conservative territory, and recent terrorist attacks have sealed the exits, leaving Democrats with few ways to distinguish themselves.

It's not that Bush doesn't have weak points. There's a perception that he's making up his Mideast policy every morning when he takes his shower, and that he sees environmental concerns as just one of those things the hippies talked about, like hash brownies and public radio. A lot of people sound nervously relieved when they hear him criticized. But what opposing candidates seem to want are speeches that appear to take a stand, yet don't. And that, I know, I can write:

“My fellow Americans, children of all ages and members of the opposition who are scrutinizing every word of this speech just in case I break down and say I'm gay or something:

“We live in a great country. You. Me. Your grocer. The cop on the beat. Justine Bateman. The guy in that ad who wanders around with a cell phone asking `Can you hear me now?' All of us live in a wonderful nation, except TV character actor Vic Tayback, because, unfortunately, he is dead.

“But those of us who are not dead must protect America. I don't want to hear any excuses about this. We have to protect it. Seriously. All right, who's still talking? And to protect America, we must declare what we believe. So I'll go first, since I'm up here anyway.

“I believe that the world's fate rests with this generation of American leaders. It's unfortunate, but there you are.

“I believe we all can look forward to a bright and useful future, unless by `we' I have to include my roommate.

“I believe we are all doomed. Oops. Sorry. That's a misprint. I believe we are all domed. A bunch of my friends and I shaved our heads once on a bar bet, and I'm telling you, that's what it looked like.

But most of all, I believe that we Democrats need to define who we are. After all, Republicans know who they are, and if they forget, someone usually spray-paints a brief synopsis on their cars. But Democrats don't know much about ourselves except that we're not Republican. No, wait. We don't know that either.

“So, what is a Democrat? Let me first say what a Democrat is not – partly in order to clear up some misconceptions, and partly because I'm stalling. For one thing, many people think Democrats are a bunch of eggheads who actually can pronounce the names of foreign places such as Zam-bi-a, or Bots-wa-na or I-vor-y Coast. We've been advised to distance ourselves from that image. So let me just say that I, personally, am as dumb as a pipe joint. See? I've got my name and address pinned to my sweater. Sometime between standing up when I was introduced and arriving at the dais to give this speech, I lost my pants. I've failed at everything I've ever tried. Give me unlimited power.

“For another thing, people seem to think that Democrats try to preserve the environment for future generations. But my advisers inform me that future generations will not be voting in this particular election – or, if we do this right, ever.

“Finally, we have been perceived as the party that tries to help those who are too weak to help themselves. Apparently the public has us confused with those guys who work at The Gap and keep asking if they can help us, as if we were too stupid to try on clothes.

“So if that is what we're are not, then what are we? We want this to be the party of folksy, shoot-from-the-hip industrialist lackeys. We're the party of heavy defense spending. We're the party that doesn't care. And when I think about the direction my colleagues and I are taking the Democrats, I feel confident that we are all domed.

“Wait. That's a misprint.”