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LOTTO FEVER
The Herald & News Published: 05/12/2000 Do you play the lottery, or are you some kind of wife-beating communist? How many lottery tickets have you bought, and why are you calling your mother for Mother's Day instead of standing in line for more lottery tickets? Lottery fever is sweeping the nation! I swear it on the graves of my ancestors! And whether this week's lottery is for $5 million or $400 million (I'd look it up, but that would involve reading stuff), it's time for everyone in New Jersey to try the biggest, flashiest, and worst handicapped form of gambling of them all! What would you do if you won $400 million? ``If I won $400 million, I would buy an armed assault vehicle and use it to propagate my crackpot political beliefs,'' said Carey Brownhurst of East Orange. ``I'd stop working,'' mused Terry Winstrum of West Paterson, ``my children would stop working, my children's children, hell, they wouldn't work either. My entire genetic line would die off in a puffy, useless, wreaking orange blob of indolence.'' ``Geez, I don't know. How do people usually spend $400 million?'' wondered Benjamin Von Zelli of Totowa. ``I guess I'd build a couple of freeway ramps.'' ``Four hundred million dollars?!'' said Anatole Bonneventure of Prospect Park. ``Why, I could afford to kill my dad!'' ``I'd buy a fabulous balloon the size of six oil tankers,'' said Barney Thelman of Passaic, ``and travel around the world in a floating city with all my friends and relatives and three fine, upscale French restaurants. Of course, it's equally possible that I'd spend it all on crack.'' And what would you do with a jackpot of, say, $5 million? ``I spit on your measly $5 million!'' said Marge Katlin of West Milford. ``You insult me with your $5 million! I wouldn't use your five million to clean my sink!'' Here's how to play: You pick a bunch of numbers, then a Big Game lottery official picks a bunch of numbers, and if it's the same bunch of numbers, then by gosh, you've really done something there! And of course, God makes sure that only nice people win. Good people pick numbers based on their children's birthdays, and invariably win trillions and trillions of dollars. Evil people don't have any children, and are dried-up old dirt bags who don't deserve to win anything. But if you hit the right numbers, life will never be the same. Here are the big stories about the big people who bought the big tickets:
How much she won: $15 million What she did with the money: Lost about half of it on her boyfriend's idea for an herbal cigarette that changes your hair color. Carried the rest of it around in a shopping bag until she died from dehydration.
How much he won: $33 million What he did with the money: Bought a billion kitschy photos of Rita Hayworth, some emerald-studded fuzzy slippers and a series of diabetic poodles named Rita Hayworth, Rita Hayworth 2, Rita Hayworth 3, and so forth.
How much she won: $87 million What she did with the money: A cousin stopped by and murdered her for it.
How much he won: $146 million What he did with the money: Has absolutely no idea. Is back working at White Castle. So handcuff your kids to the stove and head for the convenience store! It's time to buy a ticket and dream a little dream -- usually that dream where you hire a radio announcer to say crude things about your old prom queen. If the right person wins that kind of money, he or she can make everyone's life a little better -- though if I win that money, I'm going to live alone in my own giant warehouse, and keep obsessively washing my hands.
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