I have never in my life envied the U.S. government (yours and mine) less than I have this week. An administration that loves making everybody happy basically found itself refereeing a bitter family argument that involved a partly foreign set of premises and a rather unaccommodating national dignitary whom we hate in ways you start hating a bad roommate, even after he's moved away.

Five months ago, in a scenario that has ``A Very Special Episode of Miami Vice'' written all over it, some poor kid got plucked out of the ocean and dropped into the middle of everyone else's agenda. As soon as Elian Gonzalez -- evidently the sole survivor of a wrecked emigrant ship from Cuba -- went to live with his Miami relatives, news stories started popping up, with suspicious regularity, on the average of every three days.

First Fidel Castro told us what to do, then the Miami relatives told us what to do, then the relatives told the press Elian's father is violent, and the press, like the salivating dogs we are, printed it. Then for some reason the boy's father couldn't come to America without an entourage of Eddie Murphy-like proportions. Then the Miami relatives made a creepy home video of Elian that kind of reminded me of when Patty Hearst started calling herself Tanya.

But you know what? When it was all over, Janet Reno and the American justice system in general did a pretty good job. They did what they had to do, last weekend. And Bill Clinton is doing a good job backing them up. And for the first time in quite awhile, I'm proud of all of them.

To begin with, a judge calmly took the case for what it was -- a child custody dispute -- and concluded that, barring any specific history of familial abuse, a child belongs with his surviving parent. That's how it's usually handled. And think what America would have done, after all, if the situation were reversed and a 6-year-old blond boy named Roger Carlson popped up in Havana, drinking Cuba libres and calling for an uprising of the proletariat.

The Miami cousins reacted to the court decision by ignoring it, though, opposing this common presumption about the family structure, and defying the rule-of-law this Miami family supposedly loves so well here. So U.S. Border Patrol officers burst in -- to the surprise of anyone who wasn't paying any attention whatsoever -- and yanked the kid out of a closet (photographed by an Associated Press photographer who raced into the house with the raid, supporting my observation that every good news photographer I know is -- and I mean this with all due awe and respect -- completely crackers).

Of course the officers had their guns out. What did anybody expect? The Miami family and some supporters including the mayor had made veiled and not-so-veiled threats, and the officers were surrounded by mobs. If I ever barricade myself at home with a possible arsenal and my pile of Joni Mitchell albums (and I'm not ruling it out), I don't expect police to drop their guard just because it's me.

Anyway, it's all over now except the political opportunism. The GOP can demand a probe of Clinton -- a habit the GOP picked up to settle its nerves after it quit smoking -- and Rudolph Giuliani can complain about (pardon me while I laugh until I die) police being too rough. And Castro can sweet-talk Elian and march him through the streets and release another creepy video that'll remind me of when Patty Hearst showed up in that John Waters movie.

And yeah, it's all kind of annoying. But it's not enough to justify breaking up a family.

Our government did precisely what it had to do, without causing undo injury and (for once) despite political pressures. I can live with that, as long as Elian is happy.

And something tells me Fidel Castro is going to make sure this kid is very, very happy.