First of all, as information minister for the nation of Iraq, I congratulate all of you, my countrymen, for having beaten the infidel.

Americans are being crushed at the border of Baghdad. No, not even at the border. Nowhere near Baghdad. They certainly haven't seized Saddam International Airport. So congratulate yourselves on the complete destruction of the invaders.

Second of all, I wish to explain why you can hear this news briefing only on short-wave radio.

Could we not broadcast this on television if we wanted? Of course we could. It's not as if all our major media facilities have been overrun by coalition forces. Obviously that hasn't happened. So it would be pointless to turn on your TVs to see if it has. Because it hasn't.

Nor are we worried that I, Information Minister Mohammed Saeed al-Sahhaf, have lost all credibility after having claimed Iraqi victory even while enemy bombs went off nearby, or that you might start drawing crude things on the TV screen if you see my face there again, or that even our United Nations ambassador Mohammed Al-Douri – who, just two weeks ago, said the United States was starting a “war of extermination” – now says he has no relationship with Saddam or any communication with Iraq. That would be devastating if he said that. Therefore he didn't.

No, I am broadcasting over the radio because I am embedded with Saddam Hussein and his loyal Republicans Guard as we attack America.

Yes, even though you may think enemy trucks are rolling through Baghdad, we actually have pushed the invaders all the way back to North Carolina, and are advancing into the Appalachians. The Americans are scattering like children. We expect to drive our tanks into California by nightfall, and to Hawaii about an hour after that. The only thing that may slow us down is that a few of the Republican Guard faithful want to find out what the food is like at a Waffle House.

Allow me to describe what we have encountered so far. Just as in all their TV shows, most Americans live either in casinos or lifeguard towers. But once you strip away this patina of luxury, they turn out to be a shoeless, buck-toothed people. I have seen several gaunt, gawky men in stovepipe hats who are (to use the American expression for it) running moonshine – a debilitating beverage made from potatoes and ether. And it's not just because of the moonshine that Americans are usually drunk. Like cows, people in this country have several stomachs, so their food ferments before they digest it.

Also, as we expected, everyone here has several unregistered handguns. I must admit this worried us when we arrived. But American men are prevented from fighting or defending themselves because of their lesbian wives.

Anyhoo, we should be back in a few days with a million American hostages and perhaps some pictures of Saddam at Disneyland on the teacup ride. So I just need to give you a few quick instructions for while we're gone: