WASHINGTON — The White House said that Khalid Shaikh Mohammed, the suspected organizer of the Sept. 11 attacks who was captured in Pakistan, will be interrogated humanely. (New York Times, March 3).

TRANSCRIPTS OF THE INTERROGATION OF TERRORIST SUSPECT MOHAMMED, MARCH 5, 11:06 A.M., WITH INTERROGATORS MR. DAVIS AND MR. SMYTHE.

MR SMYTHE: Sorry to get started so late, but we thought you were sleeping-in all this time.

MOHAMMED: No no, several years of emasculating your godless country have made me quite the early riser. I kept quiet this morning because otherwise I thought I might be waking you.

MR SMYTHE: Boy. What a comedy of errors this day has been already. You should have seen me just now making coffee. We had to strain the grounds through shredded documents because someone forgot to buy filters.

MR DAVIS: Sorry. My bad.

MR SMYTHE: By the way, how's your toast?

MOHAMMED: Just the way I like it, thanks. I'm intrigued by this spread I'm using instead of honey. What do you call this stuff, again?

MR DAVIS: Fluffernutter.

MOHAMMED: I shall eat it in heaven, in the company of 15 virgin girls and a sport utility vehicle, while you and your whore children are stripped to the bone by septic lava.

MR SMYTHE: Glad you like it. Now, when we left off yesterday, I believe we were asking where to find Osama bin Laden. Mr. Davis, could you read from the transcript at the end of yesterday's session?

MR DAVIS: From 4:45 p.m. — “You will never find Osama. Tell America to run frightened like beetles. We have hidden a giant flesh-eating plant on a carnival ride somewhere on the West Coast. We also take credit for every fatal traffic accident yesterday in North Carolina, and because of us, some guy somewhere has gum disease....”

MR SMYTHE: Let's pick up from there. First of all, it turns out there haven't been any fatal accidents in North Carolina in three days.

MOHAMMED: Really! That's commendable!

MR DAVIS: They have a “Buckle-Up For Life” program that all the school kids are doing.

MOHAMMED: I myself turn into an absolute bear when someone cuts me off in traffic.

MR SMYTHE: Second of all, we found the guy with gum disease. The president is flying in with floss.

MOHAMMED: But you will never find that flesh-eating plant.

MR SMYTHE: Already have. At the Los Angeles County Fair in Pomona, California.

MOHAMMED: Did it at least eat somebody?

MR SMYTHE: Apparently not. It seems your operative hid it on the Tilt-a-Whirl but didn't strap it down properly. When they started the ride, centrifugal force shot the plant 20 yards south-east, where it crashed into the agricultural tent and killed the World's Smallest Pony.

MOHAMMED: Ah hah! Success! They will never find another World's Smallest Pony!

MR SMYTHE: They already have. They're using what used to be the World's Second Smallest Pony.

MOHAMMED: Oh ... Right.

MR SMYTHE: So now that we've cleared up those little misunderstandings, let's get back to the topic of Osama bin Laden. We were wondering if you might tell us where he's keeping himself these days. That way we could knock off early and I could help my wife spackle. We're refinishing the basement.

MOHAMMED: Normally I would tell you. Really, I'd love to help out. But the thing is that it would betray every core belief I hold.

MR SMYTHE: Right ... right ...

MR DAVIS: Right ...

MR SMYTHE: That does leaves us in rather a pickle, doesn't it.

MOHAMMED: I imagine so. Say, do you have anymore of these little meatless cocktail wienies?

MR SMYTHE: Maybe. How badly do you want them? ...