SCRIPT FOR GEORGE BUSH’S CAMPAIGN COMMERCIAL UTILIZING SEPT. 11.

STOCK FOOTAGE OF WORLD TRADE CENTER COLLAPSE. MONTAGE OF FIREFIGHTERS AND VICTIMS’ FAMILIES.

NARRATOR – On Sept. 11, 2001, America suffered its worst attack on home soil since the Civil War. And on that day, George Bush did not completely lose it. He was not found in a bus station in Denver claiming to be someone else. Nor did he dress like a woman and try to slip out the back door of Air Force One. No, he marshaled America’s vast defense and delivered a speech and did more or less what we’re paying him to do.

STOCK FOOTAGE OF GEORGE BUSH NOT BEING CRAZY.

No other person in America could possibly have kept from dropping his pants and quacking like a duck until he convinced everyone to ignore him. That’s just what Al Gore would have done. John Kerry, too. Seriously, every single person would have done that. Except Ralph Nader – whom you should seriously consider voting for if you’re not going to vote for Bush.

PICTURE OF RALPH NADER PHOTOSHOPPED INTO PICTURE OF JACQUELINE KENNEDY ONANSSIS

That’s why these loyal Americans are voting for Bush:

CUT TO MAN-ON-THE-STREET INTERVIEWS.

FARMER – I think George Bush held up well under the unbelievable stress of Sept. 11. That’s why I also support his environmental policy, unrelated though it might seem to be, and even though the change in the earth’s climate could put my crop land under five feet of sea water.

TEACHER – He brought down the Taliban. That completely explains why he’s under-funding education.

LABORER – It completely justifies all the huge tax cuts, which I cannot otherwise understand.

MONTAGE OF SEPT. 11 AGAIN.

NARRATOR – Ever since Sept. 11, America has been frightened. And George Bush has bravely helped keep us that way. George Bush has been a wartime president. And the war against terrorism never ends. Look at him. He’s walking around Ground Zero. Vote for him, for crying out loud.