LONG-FORM CENSUS FOR NORTHERN NEW JERSEY RESIDENTS AND TRANSIENT PETS

The enclosed survey will tell us how to distribute government services and just who exactly we'll mean when we blame all our problems on ``them.'' So please answer all these questions, and when you're done with that, please fill out your tax forms, and when you're done with that, please get your car registered, and when you're done with that, please do whatever other damn thing your government wants you to do next.

None of this information will be made public or viewed by anyone who could actually do anything with it, which might sort of make you wonder why we're asking for it. But don't worry your pretty little head about that. If there is one thing your government has proven time and time again, it is that we can keep your secrets, unless of course you have done something to irritate Ken Starr. Just remember that we are your government, and nobody will ever love you the way your government loves you.

Question 1: You're not some kind of immigrant, are you?
a) Why, yes I am. And I am so pleased that you asked.
b) What are you doing in my house?

Question 2: Just out of curiosity, if you are some kind of immigrant, what kind of immigrant are you?
a) I'm afraid I am the kind who lacks a green card or work permit at this time, sir. But it is so awfully nice of you to inquire.
b) Everything's legal. Got all my papers. Nothing to look at here. Show's over, folks.

Question 3: Uh huh. And exactly how many ``undocumented'' non-citizens currently inhabit your lovely abode?
a) Well, let's see. . . There's me, of course, and my wife and her sister and. . . Say, you're sure you're not sharing this with the INS?

Question 3: Yeah, yeah, I promise. So that's your wife and her sister, and . . .
a) . . . and my father-in-law, my oldest son and five guys living in my Volvo. And that's the long and the short of it, my fine fellow.

Question 4: Let's shift gears. If you are a resident of Passaic County, did your apartment burn down last winter because of a faulty space heater?
a) Yeah, sure did.
b) Yeah, sure did.

Question 5: Did the fire cause you any health problems? Did you have any health problems already? Are you an adult with bladder trouble? Where do you keep your cash?
a) At last, I've found someone who wants to know the real me. You are someone to whom I can open my heart, someone with whom I can share my secrets, some data processor at the Census Bureau who's going to put all this on a web page. Where to begin? I was born in Nogales in 1962. . .
b) Though I would like to answer your questions, I cannot, because I have inexplicably gone blind.

Question 6: Last question. In looking back over these questions, can you honestly say you have answered to the best of your knowledge, and that you really believe we are the government and this really is just a census form?
a) . . . Then, when I was five, my family moved to Ciudad Obregon in the lower province, where things began to go bad between my parents. I've spent many years trying to forgive my father. . .
b) Forget it. You're with the INS, and you're here to deport us.

Question 7: Shows you how much you know. I'm a burglar, and I'm here to kill ya.