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LET'S SUE OUR TOWNS! The Herald & News Published: 03/24/2000 Theoretically, it's spring, so people should climb out of their homes, smell the sweet, wild air and start filing lawsuits against their local bodies of government. They already have a real good one going in Haledon, where some guy is suing to keep the city council from allowing – those ruthless imperialists! -- an addition to the firehouse. Meanwhile in Paterson, the council continues battling a lawsuit from the mayor himself, who is upset with the council for some reason like maybe the council dented his Acura when they borrowed it or maybe the council sold him a crummy lawnmower or something. I'm kidding. I know why the mayor is suing the council. The mayor said the council violated the Faulkner Act by negotiating contracts through a series of resolutions, and that it is totally a coincidence that he and the council used to go out until they had that stupid fight at the Applebee's and now the council is dating that goon on the wrestling team. The point is, the mayor is doing something -- in the sense that he is waving his arms around and talking on the phone, which technically counts as activity. That's the kind of spirit I want to see from the rest of you people. So let's review the basics of municipal lawsuits, starting with the three essential questions of Who, Why and What:
Actually, the usual reason is that the zoning board has allowed someone to build something near your house, or did not allow you to build something near someone else's house, and the zoning board should be punished for stopping progress, or making it go. Anyway, they all think they're such big shots. But there are a lot of other reasons for a lawsuit. For example, in a story from last week's paper, a 21-year-old employee at a Taco Maker in Wayne was charged with holding a standard kitchen knife to her 17-year-old manager's throat. Police think (they're not sure, they can't be positive, they don't want to go out on a limb on this) there had been an argument between these two about a work situation. But the main question here is, how is it the town's fault? Well, the Taco Maker franchise itself could rightly point out they should never have been allowed to do business there in the first place. Once again, the zoning board screwed up. And then of course the alleged victim and assailant could sue the town for being, like, a real drag where they never get to do stuff. So now that you've got a good case, the next step is to draw up the legal papers by yourself. Nothing spells success better than when no reputable lawyer wants anything to do with you. And nothing is clearer, more accurate or more legally sound than the writings of a really angry guy with a bachelor's degree in nursing. Town attorneys instantly buckle when confronted with legal language such as this: ``I am suing the city council because of that thing they did that one time with that guy who was wearing the hat. If this is not clear, I have attached a lengthy description of the hat, and have also accidentally enclosed my check to the gas company. Finally, a big shout out to the Driscoll Valley High Class of `78! Wolverines varsity! Woooooo!'' Take these papers down to town hall, grasp them firmly in your left hand, raise your right foot and hold up both arms in the martial arts crane position. It's a lawsuit. People have to take you seriously. And after all, isn't that why you file a municipal suit? So the town will stop laughing at you?
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