TO ALL TELEMARKETERS:

FOLLOW THIS SCRIPT AS WRITTEN. DO NOT PAUSE EXCEPT WHERE DIRECTED. DO NOT LET THE CUSTOMER GET OUT OF THE CALL POLITELY. STICK TO WHAT'S WRITTEN AND YOU WON'T GET HURT.

Good morning/day/evening, sir/madam. I'm sorry to disturb your dinner/shower/coma. My name is _________, and I am calling on behalf of Lauriette State University to tell you about our 100-year-old program in the liberal arts.

Our respected institution is so desperately strapped for cash that we're making a special offer: In just 10 days, you could earn a bachelors degree in socio-linguistics, American studies, women in fiction, musical theater, or thousands of other mysterious fields of academic interest!

Consider the prestige that comes with owning a genuine, anatomically correct bachelors degree. You will share a distinction enjoyed by most professionals, virtually the entire American middle class, and even one or two prominent entertainers. You will gain in self-esteem and assertiveness. People will more readily accept your version of things.

One of our satisfied graduates says, “I got my degree in English literature, and now I write for Esquire magazine. Thanks, Lauriette University!”

And now we're offering a special One-Time-Only Entrance-Exam, in which you turn your high school grade point average into a discount on tuition! Just multiply your GPA by 10, take that percentage off the first semester's tuition of $9,000, write down the remainder on a check, and send it to us. Congratulations! You've passed!

HERE ARE SOME OF THE OBJECTIONS THE CUSTOMER MIGHT MAKE, FOLLOWED BY YOUR RESPONSES:

* “But isn't a bachelor's degree expensive?”

If you get into our popular “Loan Deferral” program, your degree can cost only pennies a day, everyday, forever.

* “Don't liberal arts degrees take years to acquire?”

Usually. But we're having our Warehouse Inventory Clearance Week, sir/madam. Everything must go! Art history degrees! Teaching certificates! Spelling bee awards! “I Are A College Graduate” bumper stickers! We're moving 'em out! Yeehaw!

* “I simply don't have time for a liberal arts program in my busy schedule.”

In the time you've already spent on this phone call, you could have earned two credits in “Techniques of Play Writing.”

* “What about grades? If I don't get an `A' in everything, won't I feel bad?”

If you don't like your grades, just talk to your professors and they'll change them. Hey, you're the one who's paying us.

* “I can't think of a subject in the liberal arts that actually interests me.”

Join the club, sir/madam. It's been 40 years since most liberal arts students weren't seriously kidding themselves.

* “I always wanted to go to an old, ivy-covered university. Are you an old, ivy-covered university?”

Sir/madam, I can assure you that the walls here are definitely covered with something.

* “What is the university's Latin motto?”

“Canis in Via Stat.”

* “What does that mean?”

“The dog is standing in the street.” I suspect the regents picked it at random.

* “Go away.”

Would you at least consider buying us a gymnasium?

CLOSING THE DEAL:

Just out of curiosity, which degree might interest you?

ENTER THEIR ANSWER ON THE REGISTRATION FORM.

Oh! Those are going fast! Tell you what. It can't hurt to save a spot for you even if you don't know if you'll go. That way, everything good won't fill up before you decide, and you won't have to take Comp 1 from a masters candidate.

The simplest way to make this work is if you give me your credit card number.

PAUSE TO GET THE CREDIT CARD NUMBER. WAIT AS LONG AS IT TAKES.

Thank you, sir/madam. I know you regard your time as valuable. You'll soon learn otherwise.

Just remember that, once you get that sheep skin, no one can take it away from you. Nor – I think you'll find – can you give it away.