I once supervised a polling place, where they put me in charge of a poll worker with an artificial hand and a poll worker who couldn't read. For the entire, agonizing 12-hour shift, the artificial hand guy proudly insisted on being the one who tore off the ballot stubs. So the only job left for the man who couldn't read was to look up voters' names in the election roster. The fate of the free world depended on these men, and one of them kept hitting up the voters for cigarettes and asking me if he could ``go outside and play with the puppy.''

Now, these guys would also have to speak two languages.

The state attorney general's office recently visited Passaic County and said in no uncertain terms that poll workers must give Spanish explanations for voting instructions such as this:

``Constitutional officers are elected during odd numbered years and on a staggered basis, with the exception of the Clerk of the Court who serves eight years and can arrive at work in a tri-cornered hat and a bathrobe. House of Delegate members are elected for two years in odd numbered years unless the election falls on Flag Day, in which case they are elected in non-consecutive increments of 20 minutes. Remember to floss. Heil Hitler.''

That sort of thing is clear enough to most of us. But as we celebrate St. Patrick's Day, let us not forget we were all immigrants to this country once, except of course the French. And life is tough for a newcomer. When my parents emigrated from Montreal in 1957, they brought nothing with them except the clothes on their backs and a suitcase full of government secrets. But they survived through the generosity of our new neighbors, who often told us, in their spirited country way, ``We never seen a Jew before!'' and who helped us along by paying 50 cents apiece to feel the bumps on our heads.

So for the benefit of anyone new to this country, here are a few basics of our electoral system: