Here are seven reasons why gay marriage is such a big problem that it deserves to be an election year issue:

1. America has absolutely no other problems. None. This is a unique moment in history.

2. Few people realize that most homosexuals are child molesters. The reason people don’t realize that is because it’s not true. But what if it were? And what if marriage helped them molest more children? What then?

3. President George W. Bush did not create this particular problem. So discussing it in a debate won’t upset him. Nobody wants to see the guy get all worked up. Look at him. He’s like a puppy.

4. I myself am not gay. So invective against the gay lifestyle would not inconvenience me personally.

5. Life can be a baffling, hostile road where love is rare and pocked with selfishness and misunderstanding. So if something brings joy to consenting adults who would otherwise be empty and alone, why do we restrict their civil rights as a result? I know that sounds like an argument in favor of gay marriage. But it works equally well for homophobia.

6. Almost every same-sex couple I know is female. Don’t you see what that means? If women can marry each other, men will be free to go on their merry way – hanging around in bars until all hours, shooting pool, making fart noises, working out their intimacy issues on each other instead of on women and, just for a goof, good-naturedly frightening each other by asking for a commitment.

7. The Bible forbids homosexuality. So not only do I support an amendment against gay marriage; I also think the Constitution should also forbid other things barred in the Scriptures – including cheeseburgers, bacon, having intercourse with a woman during her period of menstruation and having intercourse with a slave girl who has been assigned to another man.

Sorry. My mind wandered.