Republican Playbook, Chapter 6: Official Opinions for Each Democratic Candidate.

Please use the following arguments for each of these men in the event he is nominated for president:

John Kerry

John Kerry is the worst possible candidate the Democrats could have chosen. His heroism in Vietnam is canceled out by his protest of the war, although, ironically, his protest of the war is not canceled out by his heroism. This is because we have a photo of John Kerry sitting three or four rows away from Jane Fonda, years before she went to Hanoi. From this, we can only conclude that, if he is elected as president, he will have Jane Fonda sit three or four rows away from him at everything he does.

Also, he had an affair with an intern. By this, we mean that a rumor spread through the Internet that he had an affair with an intern, and several conservative commentators talked about that rumor. By that we mean that he may have asked an intern to work for him, but that in fact they did not have an affair. But didn’t someone say he had an affair with an intern? Didn’t we hear that somewhere? Let’s keep talking about it.

John Edwards

John Edwards is the worst possible candidate the Democrats could have picked. For one thing, he made his fortune as a trial lawyer. Lawyers, of course, have political interests. This makes him a much more biased and untrustworthy leader than someone who made a fortune in, for example, the oil business, which has no political interests whatsoever.

Also, didn’t John Edwards have an affair with an intern? All right, maybe not Edwards. But didn’t someone? Yes, most assuredly, someone somewhere had an affair with an intern, and Edwards, by coincidence, is running for president. Connect the dots.

Dennis Kucinich

Dennis Kucinich is the worst possible candidate the Democrats could have picked. For one thing, he used to be a college professor. And, as we all know, colleges are bastions of political correctness, decadence and reading. Yes, that’s right, reading. Maybe you trust people who read. That’s your funeral.

Also, Kucinich has such a peculiar appearance that we can’t help wondering: What would he look like on top of an intern?

Al Sharpton

This triumph by Al Sharpton is a great moment for America. It is the first time a major party has nominated an African-American for president. And we can say – without having to qualify this statement in the slightest – that we are glad the Democrats are the ones who did it.

But his skin color has nothing to do with why Al Sharpton is the worst possible candidate the Democrats could have picked. It’s because he lied to Americans about the Tawana Brawley case. Americans will not stand for a president who feeds them misinformation. ... Let us rephrase that: Americans will not stand for a president who feeds them misinformation about Tawana Brawley. And it’s not because she’s black, either. It’s because we don’t know where she is anymore, and we think she might have become an intern.