The Israelis and Palestinians have agreed on a plan that will end their perpetual motion machine of conflict: If they just keep killing each other, the other side will give up.

"It's foolproof," said Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon. "Once the other side in this conflict realizes that each of their actions will be met with resounding force, they'll just give up and start doing something else – take up needlepoint, for example, or start a petting zoo."

Palestinian leaders agreed. "We just have to show the other side that this will never stop," said a member of Al Aqsa Brigades, a militia associated with Yasser Arafat's Fatah group. Al Aqsa claimed responsibility for recently ambushing an Israeli military checkpoint near the village of Ein Arik – killing three soldiers by suddenly opening fire on them, and killing three more upon entering their sleeping quarters.

"When enough people have died, their resolve will be broken. Then they'll all just leave or something, and go live on a magical cloud farm in Candy Land."

News of this agreement caused rejoicing throughout the world. Palestinians in the West Bank town of Ramallah celebrated by vowing undying revenge against their newfound allies. And Israelis celebrated by driving tanks into Arafat's kitchen.

And all over the world, people declared that, even though this region hasn't had a moment's peace since the beginning of recorded history, everything was going to be different this time.

"Well, since September 2000, around 900 Palestinians have been killed and 300 Israelis," said Sven Jornson, in a man-on-the-street interview in Switzerland. "So that's going to change anytime soon, huh? How about that!"

Despite these encouraging signs, peace probably will not come overnight. Arafat, the Palestinian leader-as-far-as-you-know, said he is hindered from stopping attacks against Israelis, because he is confined to his headquarters in Ramallah. Israeli tanks have surrounded him and held him there for more than two months.

When reminded that he also didn't stop the violence before he was confined to this compound, Arafat responded, "Hey! You're remembering things from more than two weeks ago! No fair!"

In the meantime, Sharon said he would not negotiate until he figured out how he could do it without actually talking to the other side or offering it anything.

What he is able to do at the moment, however, is continue to keep Arafat in Ramallah, figuring this will topple Arafat from power. Anyway, it certainly won't gain Arafat world sympathy and build up support among Palestinians, which had been eroding while he ran around free.

Sharon and his strategists also believe that, if they can remove Arafat from power, he will be replaced by some sensitive, reasonable young fellow with soft hands, a Yale education and a fondness for John Irving novels.

Not to be outdone for brilliant ideas, the Palestinians have reacted with constant attacks and suicide bombings, whether Israel offers concessions or not. The idea behind this is that, when Israelis get tired of all the killing, they will elect a moderate government and prime minister, as they once did when they brought Ehud Barak to power. Palestinian extremists will welcome the more moderate leader by negotiating in bad faith and blowing up even more stuff, and Israelis will lose patience with the Palestinians and elect a conservative hard-liner, as they did with Ariel Sharon. Play will continue in this fashion until the end of time, when the French and Russian judges will determine which side earned the most points.

"The great thing is that we're working together," Sharon said. "Each side acts in cooperation with the other until there are bodies everywhere. In fact, next week, we're headed for a milestone.

"I believe that's when the United States is scheduled to be dragged into it for the hundredth time and end up looking stupid for even trying."