Dear Barry,

You’re probably the one to ask. America has held congressional hearing and huge political investigations for relatively minor matters such as Watergate, Iran-Contra and Whitewater. So why has President Bush stymied the National Commission on Terrorist Attacks Upon The United States from investigating 9/11 – what with its being the worst national event of my lifetime, and all? Why is he slow to extend the deadline of that investigation? Why is he slow to accept a similar probe of the Iraq War and the apparent mistakes over the “weapons of mass destruction”?

Also, how tall are you? My wife is curious.

Sincerely,
a reader of your Web page

P.S. If I really am a reader of your Web page, why is this e-mail formatted like a letter? Why do I need a ‘P.S.’ when I can just cut and paste this addendum into the main body of the letter? Who is this fooling? Also, how much do you weigh? My wife is curious.

Thank you for writing. I’ll try to answer your questions in order.

As to question one: There are obstacles to the investigation because the president is the only person in the world who can be trusted. Not every investigator or member of Congress is loyal to the United States. You’ll be surprised to learn that a disproportionate number are agents of the Baltic States. Others are drunks.

Dear Barry,

But you wouldn’t have to open it to all of Congress. Bush just needs to cooperate with Gov. Kean’s commission ...

Everyone is a traitor to America except President Bush, and possibly John Tesh. Even you are a traitor.

Dear Barry,

But if you really believed that, the country couldn’t even funct- ...

As to question two: I am 5’9”.

As to question three: We need not investigate the absence of weapons in Iraq because we won. We cut through that country like a Black & Decker through Jell-O salad. And now we can make Saddam Hussein feel worse than the opening comedian for Blink 182. Saddam is a bad guy, so our reasons for invading are irrelevant.

Dear Barry,

But we lost credibility in the eyes of the world and now we’re begging the United Nations for help...

As to question four: You are an actual reader of this Web page because the president says you are. Regarding question five, I weigh around 205 to 210. I know it sounds like a lot. But I feel pretty agile. In fact, I’d say I’m about the average height and weight for an American. Are you average for an American? Or are you average for, say, an Arab? Hmmmmm?