I need TV commercials to tell me how to be patriotic, since I haven't gone outside my apartment in two weeks. And apparently, patriotism is easy. All I have to do to show support for America is buy a Japanese truck.

That's what I got from an ad that said some truck is tough like America, or maybe that it keeps on rolling like America, or that it gets the job done like America. All the truck ads say things like that now, and they're all running together in my mind. One commercial also said a car company helped out the New York City firefighters by giving them some stuff.

But you sure don't hear the car company bragging about it. At all. Except in the ad.

Their point is that truck manufacturers are fighting terrorists, and boy, I'm sure glad of that, because a lot of other product manufacturers haven't weighed in on this yet.

For example, what about Dairy Queen? Doesn't it want to take credit for a military victory or something? It could compare its sundaes to the New York City firefighters, or say its milk shakes will hunt down the al-Qaida and turn them all into eye donors.

You can sell anything with a patriotic commercial, and I figure its ad would go like this:

FADE IN: AMERICAN SOLDIERS MARCH ACROSS A BATTLEFIELD. SOLEMN, PATRIOTIC MUSIC PLAYS IN THE BACKGROUND.

Announcer: "It was a simple question. When America went to war, we at Dairy Queen asked, how can we help? The answer came back to us: Create the first-ever french-fried ice cream. Don't we Americans deserve all the crunchy fried ice cream we can eat?"

MUSIC WELLS UP AS A TROOP OF ICE CREAM MEN RUN ACROSS THE BATTLEFIELD KICKING OSAMA BIN LADEN'S HEAD LIKE A SOCCER BALL. THE FOUNDING FATHERS RISE UP AROUND THEM IN THE THOUSANDS LIKE SOCCER HOOLIGANS, BREAKING UP THE GRANDSTANDS AND HITTING EACH OTHER WITH CHAIRS. BIN LADEN'S HEAD SMASHES THROUGH ADOLF HITLER'S WINDOW, AND PATRICK HENRY YELLS, "GOOOOOOAL!"

Announcer: "Dairy Queen. We make delicious ice cream, and we are going to kill Osama bin Laden."

And what about the communists? Their image could use some work. Here's an ad:

FADE IN: THE SITE OF THE WORLD TRADE CENTER COLLAPSE. RESCUE WORKERS SIFT THROUGH THE WRECKAGE.

Announcer: "When disaster struck New York City, the American Communist Party asked, how can we help? And soon, we were there at Ground Zero, doing what we do best: arguing over arcane points of Marxist dialectic and periodically kicking each other out of the group."

CUT TO: SCRAGGLY, BEARDED RADICAL WALKING AMONG THE RESCUE WORKERS, SELLING COPIES OF THE AMERICAN COMMUNIST PARTY'S NEWSPAPER.

Commie Radical: "Extra! Extra! This is America's own fault! Capitalism reaps a bitter harvest! All these stories, plus sports scores and Dear Abby! Extra!"

Announcer: "The communists. Joining hands with all Americans and not letting go even after it starts to annoy people."

You know who else could claim to be an American hero? The al-Qaida. In a commercial, anybody can claim to be an American hero.

FADE IN: THE INTERIOR OF A HOSPITAL. DOCTORS AND NURSES TEND TO THE INJURED.

Announcer: "Whenever terrorism strikes, no one is more concerned about the outcome than we are. We're the al-Qaida, and we care."

A MEMBER OF THE AL-QAIDA GIVES A TEDDY BEAR TO A SICK CHILD. THEY ARE JOINED BY ABRAHAM LINCOLN, SANTA CLAUS AND AMERICA'S OLYMPIC BOBSLEDDING TEAM. THEY ALL WAVE TO THE CAMERA, INCLUDING THE TEDDY BEAR.

Announcer: "Want to know about our international ‘Care Network’? Just ask anyone in your neighborhood. Maybe they're one of us. Maybe you are, too!"

THE TEDDY BEAR FROM THE AL-QAIDA WINKS AT THE CAMERA, INDICATES THE SICK KID AND DRAWS A FUZZY FINGER ACROSS ITS LITTLE TEDDY BEAR THROAT.

Announcer: "The al-Qaida. We're thinking about America. All the time."