One of the things we learned between the turning of the millennium last year and the one we just had is that there's more to driving in New Jersey than we used to think. For example, all that racial profiling along the Turnpike came as a complete surprise to absolutely everyone, except for maybe every single black or Hispanic person in New Jersey.

Other odd driving conditions are more above-board, such as that drivers no longer get a full license until they're 18 rather than 17, because lawmakers studied the numbers and discovered only just this year that 17-year-olds don't vote.

So the following is a new driving test for New Jersey:

Question #1
By restricting drivers for an extra year, what has New Jersey accomplished?
a) Emphasized that kids today aren't nearly as responsible as their hippie burn-out parents.
b) Guaranteed that the first time you have an accident late at night, your parents won't be waiting up for you, so you can lie in the road and die without anyone disturbing you.
c) Encouraged teen-agers to start dating 35-year-olds.

Question #2
In which kind of car would you most likely find a criminal?
a) A black Mercedes with a bumper sticker that says, “Free Mumia.”
b) An old van with a window sticker that says, “Legalize it,” and a suction-cup sign that says, “Warning: I brake for hobbits.”
c) The Mayormobile.

Question #3
Why can't you pump your own gas here?
a) Because full-service stations guarantee us a steady population of guys wandering around outside at night carrying huge wads of cash.
b) We let a driver handle the pump once. But he just horsed around with it, holding it up to his face and saying, “Hey! I'm an elephant!”
c) They got self-serve stations in New York City. You know what else they got in New York City? Crack babies!

Question #4
What is the “video game” strategy for driving while intoxicated?
a) Pretending you're in a video game by leaning back and just trying not to hit anything.
b) Imagining that a giant gorilla is throwing barrels at your car.
c) Repeatedly banging the horn and yelling, “Where are my smart bombs?”

Question #5
If you reach an uncontrolled intersection at the same time as a driver on your right, and both of you are going to go straight, who has the right-of-way?
a) The car on your right.
b) Whoever can successfully pretend not to see the other driver.
c) I do, dirt bag.

Question #6
What is the usual color and shape of a Warning Sign?
a) Yellow and diamond shaped with black lettering or symbols.
b) Big, shaved head, lots of jewelry, gently pointing out that you are at his boss's usual table.
c) Gang symbols that are spray-painted on your apartment door, and when you complain to the landlord about it, he laughs and says, “Yep. They'll do that.”

Question #7
What should you do when facing a flashing red traffic light?
a) The same as at a stop sign.
b) Stare at it for hours, occasionally pointing to it and saying, “Pretty.”
c) Stop. Go. Stop. Go. Stop. Go.

Question #8
To whom does the speed limit apply?
a) The little people.
b) The weak.
c) Blacks and Hispanics.

Questions #9 — #12
Match the exit to the people who live there:
a) Exit 2
b) Exit 5
c) Exit 7
d) Exit 12
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1) Snobs.
2) Hayseeds.
3) Deafeningly obnoxious drunks.
4) About 90,000 people still waiting in line for an emissions test.

Question #13
When Christie Todd Whitman takes over the Environmental Protection Agency, what will happen?
a) Certain savvy investors will make a killing in bottled water.
b) She will declare Yosemite “open for business.”
c) A surprising number of blacks and Hispanics will be charged as major polluters.