Yoga has become very popular among people who want to exercise but don’t enjoy venturing outside a six-foot by three-foot square of floor space. Nonetheless, everybody does it wrong. We know this because everybody does everything wrong. Look at them all. Idiots.

The point is that, if you do it correctly, yoga can bring you inner peace. If you do it incorrectly, it can trigger homicidal rage. So listen to these instructions carefully.

First of all, one must understand that yoga is not a sport. I mention this because Americans, being the way they are, feel compelled to cheer one yoga practitioner over another, and make wild hoots and grunts whenever someone connects with their chi. Eventually, you could have people showing up to yoga studios wearing cheese hats and big foam rubber hands that say “#1!” Please don’t do that.

Now, to begin the actual practice of yoga, sit comfortably. Perhaps you think you know how to sit comfortably. You are wrong. Sitting comfortably does not actually mean sitting in a way that is comfortable. First, you must sit on a hard wood floor cross-legged, pushing your knees down until you dislocate your hip. Now, straighten your back. At this point, you achieve serenity or, if you’re built like me, you tip over backwards.

Many people quit yoga after this, having worn themselves out sitting comfortably. But now the real exercise begins. Stand up. Perhaps you think you know how to stand up. You are wrong. Place your feet together and, keeping your back and legs straight, try to bend over far enough to answer your cell phone three feet behind you. If you can, inform your caller that you cannot talk to them right now, as your groin is crushing your lungs.

You should now be experiencing complete relaxation, which will manifest itself as excruciating pain in your legs and spine.

Place your hands on the floor, palms down, and stretch your legs back until you are in a push-up position. Stay like that for three days while I go take care of some business upstate. When I come back, lower yourself to the floor. Now, keeping your hips on the floor, push your hands up until your back snaps, then push your rear end up in the air until you’re facing down and your body and the floor form a triangle. Stay like that for two years while I go get a degree at a small technical trade school. While I’m gone, think about what you’ve done and why I’ve been forced to punish you this way.

OK, I’ve returned from school with a certificate in refrigeration unit repair. Jump forward to where your hands and feet are together. Now slowly straighten up. Two years have gone by and the world you’ve known is gone.

And that’s yoga. ... Wait, I forget to tell you to breath. Breathing is really, really important in yoga. They’re always telling you to do it. You have been breathing this whole time, right? … Oh crap! I don’t feel a pulse!