HOOO-EE! EVERYONE'S DOIN' YOGA!
Yoga has become very popular among people who want to exercise
but donít enjoy venturing outside a six-foot by three-foot square of
floor space. Nonetheless, everybody does it wrong. We know this
because everybody does everything wrong. Look at them all.
The point is that, if you do it correctly, yoga can bring you
inner peace. If you do it incorrectly, it can trigger homicidal
rage. So listen to these instructions carefully.
First of all, one must understand that yoga is not a sport. I
mention this because Americans, being the way they are, feel
compelled to cheer one yoga practitioner over another, and make wild
hoots and grunts whenever someone connects with their chi.
Eventually, you could have people showing up to yoga studios wearing
cheese hats and big foam rubber hands that say ď#1!Ē Please donít do
Now, to begin the actual practice of yoga, sit comfortably.
Perhaps you think you know how to sit comfortably. You are wrong.
Sitting comfortably does not actually mean sitting in a way that is
comfortable. First, you must sit on a hard wood floor cross-legged,
pushing your knees down until you dislocate your hip. Now,
straighten your back. At this point, you achieve serenity or, if
youíre built like me, you tip over backwards.
Many people quit yoga after this, having worn themselves out
sitting comfortably. But now the real exercise begins. Stand up.
Perhaps you think you know how to stand up. You are wrong. Place
your feet together and, keeping your back and legs straight, try to
bend over far enough to answer your cell phone three feet behind
you. If you can, inform your caller that you cannot talk to them
right now, as your groin is crushing your lungs.
You should now be experiencing complete relaxation, which will
manifest itself as excruciating pain in your legs and spine.
Place your hands on the floor, palms down, and stretch your legs
back until you are in a push-up position. Stay like that for three
days while I go take care of some business upstate. When I come
back, lower yourself to the floor. Now, keeping your hips on the
floor, push your hands up until your back snaps, then push your rear
end up in the air until youíre facing down and your body and the
floor form a triangle. Stay like that for two years while I go get a
degree at a small technical trade school. While Iím gone, think
about what youíve done and why Iíve been forced to punish you this
OK, Iíve returned from school with a certificate in refrigeration
unit repair. Jump forward to where your hands and feet are together.
Now slowly straighten up. Two years have gone by and the world
youíve known is gone.
And thatís yoga. ... Wait, I forget to tell you to breath.
Breathing is really, really important in yoga. Theyíre always
telling you to do it. You have been breathing this whole time,
right? Ö Oh crap! I donít feel a pulse!