Dear George W. Bush’s advice to the lovelorn,
I have wanted all my life to get married, but I cannot seem to find that special lady just for me. Lately, I heard that you, the president, want to spend $1.5 billion to promote marriage. Will this money help me find a woman with whom I can share my innermost feelings, deep thoughts and neurotic fear of my family?

Dear Lonely,
As you may appreciate, the volume of mail to the White House precludes the president from every letter personally. However, the president has calculated that $1.5 billion is more than enough money to make you love someone. President Bush also wants you to know that you are in his prayers.

Dear George W. Bush’s advice to the lovelorn,
I would like to be married to my children’s father. But he is chronically unemployed and cannot provide us even with a place to live. Nor can I find any other men willing to take on the responsibility of my kids. Your $1.5 billion will fix that, right?

Dear Single,
With this kind of money, the president expects to make millions of men across the country fall madly in love with you. Imagine how you feel when you look at $1,000 – that deep ache that is indistinguishable from the first spark of desire. Now multiply that feeling by 1,000, and then by 1,000 again, and add another half billion on top of that. That’s how much money the government is throwing at this problem. The president is quite sure that love will find you.

Dear George W. Bush’s advice to the lovelorn,
My girlfriend and I would like nothing better than to get married. Unfortunately, it is not legal where we live.

We have bought a home together and have been faithful to each other now for 12 years. But as I’m sure you’ll agree, it’s not a true commitment unless we sign a legal document. It would also help if I could put her on my company health plan, get her named as beneficiary for my pension fund and enjoy various secular rights granted to married people under civil law.

How will your $1.5 billion marriage plan help us?

Dear Clara X,
The president is not in his office today and cannot answer your letter.

Dear George W. Bush’s advice to the lovelorn,
I have had 17 sexual partners in the last 14 days. Which one should I marry?

Dear ClubGrrrl16
Our researchers say you should marry No. 6, the one with the motor scooter. Please follow this advice, as the president spent the first $1 million of his $1.5 billion to obtain it. We can now help only 1,499 more people.