A FRIENDLY REMINDER: PLEASE FEAR EVERYTHING
Courier-Post, Cherry Hill, N.J.
Published: 12/29/2002
Syndicated by Gannett News Service

Now that we know terrorists may carry dangerous items in their hats, shoes, eye shadow or baby photos, please watch out for the following possible terrorist activities:

  • Suspicious-looking men have been hogging public drinking fountains and breaking into industrial kitchens to suck on the taps. As a result, authorities believe that six members of al-Qaida might be trying to drink all our water. Agents are searching for a gang that frequently visits public libraries, desperate to use the bathroom. In the meantime, if strange Arabic men knock on your door and ask for a glass of water, tell them there isn't any more. This may convince al-Qaida their job is done, and they will leave.

  • Beware of anybody wearing clothing of any kind. Weapons can be hidden not only in parkas and winter coats. Mustard gas may be carried in contact lenses, howitzers are often concealed in make-up kits, nuclear bombs can be stuffed down tighty-whiteys and guns may be hidden inside of other guns.

  • Members of one sleeper cell can wipe out entire city blocks just by quietly humming to themselves on the bus. Authorities do not yet know which tune would kill so many people, though a national poll indicates it's probably Jennifer Lopez's “Jenny from the Block.”

  • Keep an eye out for men walking around wearing sandwich boards that say, “Join al-Qaida. Ask me how.”

  • Spy satellites show that suspected terrorists across the country have all at once, on the same day at the same time, started taking ballroom dance lessons. Authorities believe Osama bin Laden has told these men to have some kind of mid-life crisis.

  • At least one terrorist is believed to be a friendly grocer who's always saving the day by telling young housewives about a popular pine-scented cleaner.

  • Be wary of any long-haired hippy types.

  • Certain terrorists have been breeding themselves to become smaller and smaller until, in the near future, they will be the size of sperm. They then will crawl into unsuspecting American women, gestate for nine months, be born, grow up in dull communities throughout the Midwest, play on the high school rugby team, go through a period in college when they consider dropping out of school and working full-time for the Burning Man festival, end up graduating after all and getting jobs at their dads' offices like everybody always said they would, eventually make their way up to middle management, retire with a 75 percent pension, become passionate about lawn bowling and remain self-sufficient well into their 80s but eventually require some home care until they die peacefully in their sleep, all without anyone realizing that they were, that entire time, terrorists.

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    Also be advised that airport screeners are watching for suspicious items. Already, federal authorities warn that shoes should be the last things you pack in your bags so screeners can more easily hand-search your luggage, and that any books, fruitcake, cheese or chocolate you've packed may set off security alarms. You also may wish to do the following:

  • Please do not ask the airport security screeners about their hopes and dreams. It makes them sad.

  • Tell the authorities about any men who stand behind you in line quietly saying to no one in particular, “You know, airport guards respect a guy who sticks up for himself.”

  • Instead of packing items into a bag, carry all your clothes in a loose bundle and drop them in a heap in front of the security personnel. In addition, spread brown shoe polish over your cheeks, chin and upper lip so that you more closely resemble a clown hobo.

  • Because carry-on bags must be searched and all items opened and judged for any potential danger they might pose during the flight, please do not pack film, wrapped gift items, scissors or angry little men from Syria.

  • Do not complain to the screener. Yes, he does know that $10 is a lot to pay for a sandwich. What do expect at the airport? You should eat before you come.

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