I am not the CEO of GlobCorp, so your confusion at having me lead the morning meeting is understandable. Your boss, Mr. Pennshaw, is not here to make these announcements, though if he were here, the announcements would be different, since my first announcement is that Mr. Pennshaw is not here.

While Mr. Pennshaw is out, no one is to go into his office or look at his files. There is no particular reason for this. Nothing is wrong. Mr. Pennshaw would be here himself to tell you nothing is wrong, but he is very busy buying socks. Depending how things go with the Securities and Exchange Commission, he may be tied up for awhile, buying more socks than expected.

In any case, the governing board is taking this opportunity to say we will hold a surprise birthday party for Mr. Pennshaw. Attendance is mandatory.

My name is Mr. Roth. Many of you do not know me because, strictly speaking, my job has no assigned functions. But I rarely concern myself with matters outside this company. I did once try to concern myself with matters outside this company. But the individual with whom I concerned myself concluded she had no feelings in particular about me. So I have dedicated myself to middle management training, and thus you can trust me to head up this surprise party – or, as we are calling it on our planning graph, the surprise party project.

Employees must adhere to the following ground rules during Mr. Pennshaw’s party:

1. Like any other employee, Mr. Pennshaw will receive a standard-issue cake with brown icing on top, neutral beige icing in the middle and corporate-issue gray ice cream.

2. We will sing one round of “Happy Birthday to You” as it was written and copyrighted. We will not add the tag “How old are you,” and we will not eat the cake, as it will most likely taste like potatoes.

3. No one is to mention Mr. Pennshaw’s hippy son Tom. However, if Mr. Pennshaw calls you Tom, the only acceptable answer is “Yes, Dad.”

4. The subject of Mr. Pennshaw’s divorce may be avoided if every employee takes care not to mention women, arguments over how hard it is to make any real friends if you’re moving from town to town all the time, couples counseling or German Scientologists.

5. No one is to ask Mr. Pennshaw whether he ever missed telling someone he loved them and, once it was too late, he suffered such despair that he has separated from his own body and had to go on leave. This question has been asked and answered.

6. Any gifts for Mr. Pennshaw must come from the following selection: