Every election, we the people face the same infuriating obstacle to decent government: each other.

You think politicians have become slanderous, mean-spirited and petty? Try voters. That's what I've learned after I've talked to people, eavesdropped in restaurants and stalked super models – leggy jet-setters who would fall in love with me if only they'd hear me out. But mostly, I've read the “letters” section of various newspapers, and heard the voice of the voters. At least, they claimed to be voters:

Ed Grinch, West Hasslehof:
“The elections? They stink. The Republican candidate for mayor of this town runs a paramilitary cult out of his van and his Democratic opponent has been breaking into houses around here and stealing food and toilet paper. And another thing, you know who was funny? Steve Allen. Hey, you kids get out off my rose patch.”

Crayon Saunders, Deadmans Ridge:
“I am not associated with Crank Shaftly's Republican candidacy for the Assembly. But I theorize that his former Democratic opponent, Ape Cordova, did not drop out of the race for the reasons he gave (that old photos of him in a prom dress made him look gay). Actually, high-ranking members of his party forced him out.

“And if his replacement in the election, 107-year-old Dale Gettysburg, is elected, he'll resign, allowing the governor to assign someone else to the Assembly seat. I'm pretty sure he'll appoint Hitler. That's why you should vote for Crank Shaftly. Otherwise, you get Hitler.”

Bleeth Smorte, Creteberg:
“I am sick of the partisanship in this country. Politicians constantly demonize the opposing party, and we can blame that, of course, on the Democrats.”

Brian Przxqw, Turberville:
“Alvin Smerklesmerkle, the Republican candidate for mayor of my town, eats babies. And he beats his kids – probably to tenderize them before eating them.”

Rayonas Cunders, South Dorf:
“I am not related to the last guy who said this, nor am I spreading rumors, but Ape Cordova was forced out of the Assembly race by Democratic bosses, Masons and ancient astronauts. And if his substitute, 214-year-old Dale Gettysburg, is elected, he'll resign and the governor will appoint his replacement … your ex-wife.

“That's right, whoever is reading this. If you don't vote for Crank Shaftly, that's who'll be running things – your ex-wife and that yuppie dirt-bag pool salesman she's been sleeping around with.”

Chris Farmweldermith, Evil Cove:
“I know it's only 48 hours before Election Day, and I've spent the last six years at least mildly buzzed on various malt beverages. But I am announcing my candidacy for U.S. Senate. I believe we should vigorously protect the environment while letting industry pour LSD into the reservoirs. I believe in strict gun control that would allow tiny automatic rifles for babies and zoo animals. But mostly, I believe that if I get enough votes, I will win a $30 bar bet.”

Caunders Sayron, Old Loggerville:
“I know I sound like two other people who've already written in, but I'm a different guy.

“That said, and although I have no evidence with which to prove this, former Democratic Assembly candidate Ape Cordova was abducted by members of his own party and stuffed into a travel bag with only enough oxygen to last six hours.

“If his replacement, 2,140-year-old Dale Gettysburg is elected, he'll resign in favor of Ted Williams' cryogenically preserved head. And although I admire Ted Williams' 521 career home runs, I believe his cryogenically preserved head will raise taxes. That is why I am endorsing Crank Shaftly.

“Do you have the address of any other newspapers?”