A retranslation of the speech Osama bin Laden released Friday, working off the transcript from aljazeera.net.

People of the United States, this talk of mine is for you. ... Well, it’s not entirely for you. Mostly, I want other Muslims to see how you listen to me and how healthy I look.

That’s why I’m releasing this tape just before your election. The leftwing paranoids will call this the world’s lamest October surprise. The rightwing propagandists such as the New York Post will scream that I am telling you to vote against George W. Bush – though I am not.

(In fact, one thing I say in this speech is “We have not found it difficult to deal with the Bush administration in light of the resemblance it bears to the regimes in our countries, half of which are ruled by the military and the other half of which are ruled by the sons of kings and presidents,” and that it has been “easy for us to provoke and bait this administration.” Nonetheless, I still have not made up my mind in your election – between the mass murdering incumbent with the inadequately clothed daughters or the challenger who keeps saying he’s going to kill me and then trots out his disobedient wife. I’ll probably just cast a protest vote for Nader, like last time.)

Personally, I don‘t care how American partisans talk about this speech – just so long as they do talk about it. Then, no matter which way the vote goes, I can claim to have caused the result. Frankly, the only election I really care about is my race for president of Islam. It’s going well, thank you, since no one in particular seems to be running against me.

Anyway, I might as well tell you why I approved the murder of 3,000 U.S. residents. No, it wasn’t because I supposedly “hate your freedom.” And to prove I do not hate your freedom, I will even use the word “freedom” in this speech in a way that indicates I may be talking about something else. “Autonomy” is probably the word I’m really looking for. Self-determination?

But I’m getting off track. I killed your people because, in 1982, the Israelis invaded Lebanon and the United States stood by for it. So we figured an act of terrorism 19 years later would change America’s attitude. Hey, terrorism has worked so well against Israel, hasn’t it?

OK, admittedly, Israel invaded Lebanon in the first place to catch PLO members who had been attacking it. And the U.S. mediated the PLO withdrawal from the area and even pressured Israel to get out. But this, by a commodius vicus of recirculation, still somehow meant the murder of 3,000 people in Manhattan two decades later.

So I guess I’m just saying, hey, welcome to the Middle East. I know you enjoy our oil. But if you make a wrong move here, we come after your family.

Also, let me reemphasize: Vote for me for president of Islam. And if this tape helps George W. Bush’s campaign for president, it’s only fair. His war in Iraq helped mine.