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A late-breaking historical factoid:
Only two times in history has a direct descendant of a president won the presidency.
In both cases, they lost the popular vote.
1824, John Quincy Adams, son of John Adams.
1888, Benjamin Harrison, grandson of William Henry Harrison.
I know of only one other president elected without receiving the most popular votes (Rutherford B. Hayes, 1876).
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I'M GLAD THE ELECTION IS OVER,
WHETHER OR NOT IT ACTUALLY IS

The Herald & News
Published: 11/10/2000

I wrote this column last Wednesday. That’s how my deadlines work. I turn in a draft by Thursday for Friday’s paper. So as I write this, I don’t know who won the election. Maybe you don’t yet either. Maybe we’ll all be dead by now. It certainly feels like it.

Of course, you might point out that since is the web page version, I could update this when we get the final results. But to that I would argue that you’ve got a big mouth, and should maybe think about what happens to nosey people.

The point is that as I write this particular sentence I, Barry Lank from last Wednesday, don’t know what’s happening with you, the reader next Friday. But I think I speak for all of us when I say that whatever has happened in this election, I’m glad it’s over.

Do you know how long this thing has been going? One of the issues from halfway through the New York Senate race was about which New York City baseball team each candidate would root for in the World Series — of 1999.

And this presidential election began sometime back in the Carter administration, when George W. Bush first started rolling around in a pile of campaign funds screaming, “Yippee! I’m rich!” and Al Gore first started boring the crap out of people.

Here are just a few things I won’t miss:

Campaign ads that say I should “tell” a candidate something.
As in: “Tell Dick Zimmer he’s wrong on health care reform, and that his hair looks fake.” Or, “Joan Johnson doesn’t wear make-up, and hates kids. Tell Joan Johnson she’s a snotty old dirt-bag.”

“The Clinton shadow.”
After a certain point, there was no such thing. Al Gore started losing votes, frankly, when people saw more and more of him by himself. That’s when we realized the poor guy had the personality of a newspaper real estate insert.

Insane accusations.
These were particularly rampant on the local level, and after awhile you just didn’t listen to them anymore. Every 15 minutes on the local NBC affiliate, we’d get, “Maryanne Connelly raised your taxes 87 times in the last two hours, then snuck into the park and killed one of your kids.” Or, “Bob Franks not only wants to make abortion illegal, he insists that fetuses be taught to drive a car and even be allowed to take cold medication while operating a forklift.”

Or, “We’re not saying Jon Corzine is trying to buy your votes. Nor are we saying Jon Corzine can set buildings on fire by staring at them. All we’re saying is that he has rabies.”

Candidates reacting with disproportionate amazement and disgust to the smallest thing their opponent does.
As in: “Governor, we had reports that Al Gore had a bowl of Count Chocula for lunch. Do you have any reaction?”

“I just think that anybody who would eat cereal after 9 a.m. would probably give LSD to babies. That’s right. Babies. With LSD. [Shakes his head sadly] I’m gonna hurl.”

Non-statements.
These came up most prominently in the debates between Hilary Clinton and Rick Lazio, in which they would compete to say that bad things are bad and that ice cream is delicious.

Non-issues.
The Buddhist Temple thing didn’t matter to anyone who didn’t already hate Gore. The DUI thing didn’t matter to anyone who didn’t already hate Bush. And Gore kissing his wife didn’t matter to anyone who hadn’t just eaten.

So I’m relieved I don’t have to hear this stuff anymore. For the next couple of years, the only people who are going to lie to me are the usual folks in payroll. And as for how the vote went, both of the major presidential candidates seemed pretty responsible, whether or not I agreed with them entirely. Nader, Buchanan, either one is fine.

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As of Nov. 13, I will be working for the Courier-Post in Cherry Hill, where I'll write editorials and continue this column.
For the purposes of this web page, that means more of my topics will come out of the Camden/Philadelphia area, and that I will post on Sunday instead of Friday.
It also means I'll be making more money. Yeehaw!