Welcome to the 11th grade pre-proficiency aptitude test. This will measure how well you’ll do on the test next month, which will gauge how well you should do at the test at the end of the year, which in turn has been shown to be a sound indicator of how well you take tests.

Begin this exam at the signal from your monitor, use a No. 2 pencil for your answers, and please don’t make those pathetic noises while I’m talking. It won’t help.

Section 1 — Reading Comprehension

Reading is important. People who know how to read eventually go on to rule the earth. People who don’t know how to read will all be rounded up next Friday and sent down to work in the poisonous mercury mines. Please don’t tell them.

Now read the following passage and answer the question afterwards, demonstrating reading comprehension and a slavish desire for approval:

If you are able to read this, then you know that I am calling you a dipwad. That’s right, a dipwad. So when you get to the question about this passage, you must mark the answer that says “I am a dipwad,” or you’ll fail the test and never graduate. God, I love this job.

Question:
What are you?
a) I am a dipwad.
b) I am still a dipwad.
c) I am a dipwad here as well.

Section 2 — Math

Question 1. Geometry:
What the hell is this?

a) Some commie thing or other.
b) As with all the other ambiguous shapes, this one looks to me like a rabbit smoking a cigar.
c) Half my face is numb. Is that bad?

Question 2. Story Problem:
Eighty men and 79 women are in a train going 70 mph for 1.9 hours. One man says, “I have as many teeth in my head as the Pope has onions, assuming the Pope has 37 onions, one of which is chipped.” Sixty-seven percent of the other passengers walk away when he talks to them. When the train arrives at Trenton, what’s there to eat out there?

a) They’ve got a White Castle near the station.
b) The newsstand sells gum.
c) You’re in Trenton. Now is not the time to eat. Now is the time to par-tay!!

Question 3. Algebra:
The average of five numbers is 16. If 14 is added to each of those numbers, wouldn’t that just make you nuts?

a) Who added 14 to each of those numbers? I’ll kill him!
b) No, that doesn’t bother me all that much. I think people should mellow out and enjoy life a little more.
c) Sure, it bothers me. But what can I do? I’m just one man.

Section 3 — Writing Skills
Write 500 words on one of the following topics:

Topic A
Do I look fat in this coat?

Topic B
The presidential elections are less than a month away. Do you have any idea who’s running? Is it me?

Section 4 — General Knowledge:

Question:
Three days after graduation, what facts will you still remember?
a) My name, or at least one or two vowel sounds that might be in my name.
b) Which orifice food goes into.
c) That I’ve sworn to find the guy who wrote this test, and cut him real good.