Rush Limbaugh and I are being hassled, and for the same reasons. Since I have never followed sports, I, too, obviously don't know enough about Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb to develop a balanced opinion. And like Limbaugh, I do not now have a job as a football commentator.

That's not just because I have no knowledge or even interest in the game. No, like Limbaugh, I haven't said what some people want to hear. And as Limbaugh pointed out, if people get upset by what you say, then you must have said something true.

In fact, when he said that, it was so true that ... well, that it made me upset. Here, read the transcripts of my tryout as an NFL announcer and witness why the liberal, feminazi conspiracy doesn't want you, the American people, to hear me talk about football.

Dirk Bigley (play-by-play announcer): “It's a beautiful day for football as the Dallas Cowboys take the field against the Miami Dolphins. This promises to be interesting, since Stan Woodjuk will be the Cowboys' starting quarterback.”

Me (color commentary): “That's right. As you know, this is Woodjuk's ninth year with the Cowboys, but only his first time at bat.”

Dirk: “It's actually his first year with the Cowboys, and no one in football is ever ‘at bat.’ But it is his first time playing against his former team. He was a backup quarterback with the Dolphins for three years before being traded.”

Me: “And he was born in a space shuttle.”

Dirk: “No he wasn't. And here's the kick. Miami catches it on their five-yard line. Kyle Zigler weaves around Anson Taylor, but is taken down by Johnson Stillwart at the 25.”

Me: “Interesting fact about Stillwart is that he will die one day short of his 67th birthday. A kidney transplant won't take.”

Dirk: “What on earth makes you say that?”

Me: “People die, Dirk. If the national averages apply, six people in this stadium will be dead by the end of the month. Especially the way they eat. Man. Look at them.”

Dirk: “Miami has come out of the huddle and the center is in place. He snaps the ball to Miami QB Bill Loogman. Loogman fakes a handoff, steps back and looks for an opening. Dallas lineman Josh Grink powers around the outside...”

Me: “Suddenly, the San Francisco 49ers intercept the ball. San Francisco is at the 50-yard line, they're at the 25, they're at the 12.5, they're at the 6.25, they're at the 3.125, they're at the 1.5625, they're at the .78125, they're at the .390625, they're at the .1953125, they're at the .09765625...”

Dirk: “You're announcing the wrong game. Loogman scrambled around Grink and gained five yards for Miami. You know, Loogman has shown a real flare this year for pulling small gains out of bad situations. What do you think of Loogman's chances for the post-season, Barry?”

Me: “He used to be a girl.”

Dirk: “What?!”

Me: “Bill Loogman used to be an adorable, happy little girl. Then Canadian scientists rebuilt him. Or so I'm told.”

Dirk: “Let's focus on the game ... which, unfortunately, is having a time out.”

Me: “Ah, don't get your skivvies in a bunch, Dirk. Why do you think Loogman gets to be the starting QB so often anyway?”

Dirk: “Because he's already passed for 1,000 yards this season?”

Me: “Nah, it's because the media is pushing to promote transgender quarterbacks. Hey, I have a lot of friends who've had sex-changes. A lot of friends. All I'm saying is that people who've switched sexes are getting an unfair advantage in professional football.”

At that point, what I'd said was apparently so true that I was hurled from the studio and forbidden to watch football, even on TV. That's right, Rush and I are the victims here.

All the breaks go to the minorities. But what about us? Who stands up for the annoying idiots?